I sometimes wonder if that’s because my mind isn’t working overtime to anticipate the next part of the conversation. I’m able to process and respond in a way that feels safer to my nervous system.
I am Team Introvert in that I need solitude-and a lot of it-to not just re-charge, but to charge. I need it to function at my most base level.
I wish I knew this-and was OK with this when I was younger. I especially wish I knew this as a young mother. When my girls were growing, I craved time away from them and my whole family-and felt SO guilty about it. And also never got enough of it.
And GAH-those deep and meaningful conversations with women friends-to be witnessed and held-YES, so critical to our growth and just being a human living in this crazy world.
I am Team Extrovert in that I love being around people and get a certain charge from it but am often drained after and then need what I used to call "cave" time -time alone in my bedroom. Not just hours, but sometimes, days. Now I add in solitude in nature, as you do. Being alone outdoors is my favorite form of solitude-so cleansing and calming.
I love the phrase, "My partner has to compete with my solitude. I have fallen in love with my own company.” That resonates with me in a big way and as I ponder any new relationship, someone who respects my need for solitude will be one of my metrics and one of my boundaries.
Thanks for this re-post, Allison. It-you-gave me pause to ponder a few worthwhile topics.
I feel the same, Rosemary. I need solitude not just to re-charge, but to charge! That baseline you speak of. Me too. Time alone brings me back to me. The me underneath all the noise in the world.
I still grapple with the guilt I bake into it all. I’ll come back from a long meandering solo walk and feel a bit self indulgent because I “escaped” from the bustling home- my kids, spouse etc. I’m getting better though. And I think they understand I’m better for that time alone. I come back charged up and ready, as you say.
Thanks for reflecting here, Rosemary. Oh I’d love to connect and re-charge with you in person someday! 💕
Your kids are growing up. Nate is getting ready to leave for college. Maybe establishing this practice of alone time will help ease the transition to empty nest -when that time comes.
As my children were starting to leave-when the first one went to college-I had taken so little time away to myself I just didn’t know how to do it. I floundered. I didn’t have much self care or time alone in place. I had to create my rituals.
I think the time you take -especially your solo walks-is so healthy. And what a phenomenal example for self care you are demonstrating to both Nate and Caroline. It will help each of them be both healthier individuals and better partners one day.
I’d savor the opportunity to connect and recharge in person with you, Allison. I think that’s just a matter of time.
I'm definitely a mix of both. It's interesting because I would've labelled myself as an extrovert when I was drinking, but now that I'm sober I lean much more introverted (thanks to being able to feel my feelings and learn where my lines are). I do love quality connection though. I tend towards isolation when I'm not in a good place (mentally and emotionally), so I need to be really honest with myself to parse out whether it's "solitude" or "isolation"—two very different energies in my mind. That being said, I'm not a fan of big groups anymore and would much rather volley the ball between me and one (maybe two) other friend(s) like you so beautifully shared too.
Solitude and quality connection both fill me up in different ways, another volleying of sorts I suppose.
Kaitlyn, what you share here feels so resonate with my experience. If we weren't on two different continents, I would try to find a way to volley back and forth with you in person. You always seem to get what I'm trying to convey.
The - "learn where my lines are" part. Yes. Finally. I am learning that (and yet *still* have moments where I forget where I drew the line).
I'm a bit of both. I love my alone time but I also love connecting over a cup of coffee or a two-hour-long phone call. I think it comes in waves for me -- the craving for one situation or the other. Perimenopause is not for the faint of heart and getting my hormones back on track made a huge difference.
For a while there, I felt like everyone else had their designated friend groups and that I must be the only loser who wasn't part of anything like that. The pain of no friends is great than the pain of potential rejection so I'll keep trying.
Hi Hallie. Thanks for this honest reflection. You’re not kidding - perimenopause is not for the faint of heart. I’m buckled in and it’s a crazy ride right now.
I resonate with the desire to be with or without people coming in waves. I feel like I want all the invitations to go socialize and then, sometimes, when I receive the invite I want to hide out and not go. 😅 I’m just a complex lady
Yep!!! I realized I was an introvert this past year! And I’m 42 :) I come off as a real big and loud extrovert but I need alone time to find myself again and charge and recharge and it’s pretty wonderful now that I’ve realized it.
It IS wonderful to realize you love to be with yourself, right? And now that we have this information about ourselves, we can show up better for us and others.
The older I get, the more I realize my 40s is the decade I actually came alive.
I’ve also become more introverted since transitioning into menopause—although it feels (to me) as though I’m simply embracing what I’ve truly been all along. I’m more comfortable, now, electing NOT to hustle and strive and push myself toward an image of what I thought I wanted to be. My nervous system is recalibrating—and I’m letting it.
Team introvert! I genuinely prefer to spend long stretches in silence and solitude. I also, to be honest, prefer to live alone (with my cats). That said, I love my partner dearly - and though we used to be married but living apart, I now cherish sharing a home with him again.
You’re speaking my language. I relish the times when my husband and kids aren’t home and it’s just the dogs & me & books or silence. I had a few hours like that the other evening. I just gazed out the window, with my snoring dog by my side and her head rose up and down with each rise of my belly. It was bliss.
Thank you for this post -- my Meyers-Briggs literally changed when I got sober....when I was drinking, I was an ENFJ, and now I test an an INFJ...but that big question, am I energized by being around people or am I energized by solitude -- it depends on the day.
Oh, and my cycle is all kinds of effed up from giving birth at 35. Ha! :)
If you have time (ha! What’s that when you’re surrounded by kids) - I encourage you to listen to the podcast episode I linked to. It goes deep into a woman’s 28 day cycle (or the lunar cycle for those of us whose cycles are wonky 😜) and explains how you can track your capacity and mood to the phases of your cycle. So you can plan and anticipate when you’ll have the bandwidth for projects, people, movement, etc. it was so eye opening for me!
This is interesting to think about, the idea of estrogen as an extrovert. Thanks for this meditation on growing quieter. I feel that in my own life, too.
Yes, the pull to go quieter seems more insistent for me as I age. I never thought about the connection it may have with estrogen and our metabolic health/hormones, etc.
The podcast I linked to was so interesting and dove really deeply into all of that (in the context of a woman's cycle OR the lunar cycle as a way of tracking- for those of us who have inconsistent cycles or are in menopause).
I am an extroverted introvert!
Ha! Love it.
I’m definitely more extroverted online than IRL.
I sometimes wonder if that’s because my mind isn’t working overtime to anticipate the next part of the conversation. I’m able to process and respond in a way that feels safer to my nervous system.
I am Team Introvert in that I need solitude-and a lot of it-to not just re-charge, but to charge. I need it to function at my most base level.
I wish I knew this-and was OK with this when I was younger. I especially wish I knew this as a young mother. When my girls were growing, I craved time away from them and my whole family-and felt SO guilty about it. And also never got enough of it.
And GAH-those deep and meaningful conversations with women friends-to be witnessed and held-YES, so critical to our growth and just being a human living in this crazy world.
I am Team Extrovert in that I love being around people and get a certain charge from it but am often drained after and then need what I used to call "cave" time -time alone in my bedroom. Not just hours, but sometimes, days. Now I add in solitude in nature, as you do. Being alone outdoors is my favorite form of solitude-so cleansing and calming.
I love the phrase, "My partner has to compete with my solitude. I have fallen in love with my own company.” That resonates with me in a big way and as I ponder any new relationship, someone who respects my need for solitude will be one of my metrics and one of my boundaries.
Thanks for this re-post, Allison. It-you-gave me pause to ponder a few worthwhile topics.
I feel the same, Rosemary. I need solitude not just to re-charge, but to charge! That baseline you speak of. Me too. Time alone brings me back to me. The me underneath all the noise in the world.
I still grapple with the guilt I bake into it all. I’ll come back from a long meandering solo walk and feel a bit self indulgent because I “escaped” from the bustling home- my kids, spouse etc. I’m getting better though. And I think they understand I’m better for that time alone. I come back charged up and ready, as you say.
Thanks for reflecting here, Rosemary. Oh I’d love to connect and re-charge with you in person someday! 💕
Yes. The baseline.
Re: guilt.
I offer you a reframe.
Your kids are growing up. Nate is getting ready to leave for college. Maybe establishing this practice of alone time will help ease the transition to empty nest -when that time comes.
As my children were starting to leave-when the first one went to college-I had taken so little time away to myself I just didn’t know how to do it. I floundered. I didn’t have much self care or time alone in place. I had to create my rituals.
I think the time you take -especially your solo walks-is so healthy. And what a phenomenal example for self care you are demonstrating to both Nate and Caroline. It will help each of them be both healthier individuals and better partners one day.
I’d savor the opportunity to connect and recharge in person with you, Allison. I think that’s just a matter of time.
What a beautiful reframe, Rosemary. Thank you so much ❤️
That really helps me. Reassurance that I can get myself through this next transition. The letting go and knowing it’s a gradual letting go.
Your words help me believe that maybe some part of me knew all along this is what I need and will need. This devotional time, more than ever.
So much love to you, Rosemary.
Love this, Allison.
I'm definitely a mix of both. It's interesting because I would've labelled myself as an extrovert when I was drinking, but now that I'm sober I lean much more introverted (thanks to being able to feel my feelings and learn where my lines are). I do love quality connection though. I tend towards isolation when I'm not in a good place (mentally and emotionally), so I need to be really honest with myself to parse out whether it's "solitude" or "isolation"—two very different energies in my mind. That being said, I'm not a fan of big groups anymore and would much rather volley the ball between me and one (maybe two) other friend(s) like you so beautifully shared too.
Solitude and quality connection both fill me up in different ways, another volleying of sorts I suppose.
Kaitlyn, what you share here feels so resonate with my experience. If we weren't on two different continents, I would try to find a way to volley back and forth with you in person. You always seem to get what I'm trying to convey.
The - "learn where my lines are" part. Yes. Finally. I am learning that (and yet *still* have moments where I forget where I drew the line).
Thanks for sliding in here and sharing. xoxoxo
I would absolutely love to volley back and forth with you in person! Maybe someday we’ll be on the same continent again 🥹
Those lines are tricky. And I find for myself they move around a lot and are never staying in one place!
I'm a bit of both. I love my alone time but I also love connecting over a cup of coffee or a two-hour-long phone call. I think it comes in waves for me -- the craving for one situation or the other. Perimenopause is not for the faint of heart and getting my hormones back on track made a huge difference.
For a while there, I felt like everyone else had their designated friend groups and that I must be the only loser who wasn't part of anything like that. The pain of no friends is great than the pain of potential rejection so I'll keep trying.
Hi Hallie. Thanks for this honest reflection. You’re not kidding - perimenopause is not for the faint of heart. I’m buckled in and it’s a crazy ride right now.
I resonate with the desire to be with or without people coming in waves. I feel like I want all the invitations to go socialize and then, sometimes, when I receive the invite I want to hide out and not go. 😅 I’m just a complex lady
I appreciate you sliding in to share.
Yep!!! I realized I was an introvert this past year! And I’m 42 :) I come off as a real big and loud extrovert but I need alone time to find myself again and charge and recharge and it’s pretty wonderful now that I’ve realized it.
It IS wonderful to realize you love to be with yourself, right? And now that we have this information about ourselves, we can show up better for us and others.
The older I get, the more I realize my 40s is the decade I actually came alive.
I loved rereading this beautiful essay. And your reflections on hormones—this! ‘
Yup! Time to pay attention to the hormone effect 🙃
I’ve also become more introverted since transitioning into menopause—although it feels (to me) as though I’m simply embracing what I’ve truly been all along. I’m more comfortable, now, electing NOT to hustle and strive and push myself toward an image of what I thought I wanted to be. My nervous system is recalibrating—and I’m letting it.
Yes! Recalibrating. That’s exactly what this feels like. Because underneath it all, this is my baseline. This is how I feel most me.
You articulate it so well, Elisabeth. Thanks for sharing 🙏🏼
Team introvert! I genuinely prefer to spend long stretches in silence and solitude. I also, to be honest, prefer to live alone (with my cats). That said, I love my partner dearly - and though we used to be married but living apart, I now cherish sharing a home with him again.
You’re speaking my language. I relish the times when my husband and kids aren’t home and it’s just the dogs & me & books or silence. I had a few hours like that the other evening. I just gazed out the window, with my snoring dog by my side and her head rose up and down with each rise of my belly. It was bliss.
Thank you for this post -- my Meyers-Briggs literally changed when I got sober....when I was drinking, I was an ENFJ, and now I test an an INFJ...but that big question, am I energized by being around people or am I energized by solitude -- it depends on the day.
Oh, and my cycle is all kinds of effed up from giving birth at 35. Ha! :)
Depends on the day. That makes total sense.
If you have time (ha! What’s that when you’re surrounded by kids) - I encourage you to listen to the podcast episode I linked to. It goes deep into a woman’s 28 day cycle (or the lunar cycle for those of us whose cycles are wonky 😜) and explains how you can track your capacity and mood to the phases of your cycle. So you can plan and anticipate when you’ll have the bandwidth for projects, people, movement, etc. it was so eye opening for me!
Thanks for sharing, Kristen. 💕
This is interesting to think about, the idea of estrogen as an extrovert. Thanks for this meditation on growing quieter. I feel that in my own life, too.
Yes, the pull to go quieter seems more insistent for me as I age. I never thought about the connection it may have with estrogen and our metabolic health/hormones, etc.
The podcast I linked to was so interesting and dove really deeply into all of that (in the context of a woman's cycle OR the lunar cycle as a way of tracking- for those of us who have inconsistent cycles or are in menopause).
Thanks for sharing here, Mary.