Time to get honest

Feeling it Friday #6 - March edition

In case you missed it last week, I introduced the first ever DARE TO BE 12-week "toe dip" challenge - an immersion into an unconventional approach to AA. You can read all about what led me to explore this and why I am daring others to take the “toe dip” with me (not a plunge). This will be a slow immersion into the tenets of the twelve steps but not in the conventional way (though, if I’m being honest - I don’t really know where this will take us so who am I to make predictions). If you are not in the “sobriety space” - I encourage you to stay anyway. This exploration may speak right to you these next 12 weeks. Jump into last week’s post for more -where I lay out the details. I hope you want in:

HERE WE GO:

STEP ONE: We admitted we were powerless over *alcohol* - that our lives had become unmanageable.

*If you need to replace alcohol with another word, another habit or another compulsion that has its grip on you, I encourage you to do just that. It can look like this:

I admitted I am powerless over alcohol online shopping, online dating, pornography, gambling, excessive scrolling, excessive exercising, overeating, counting calories, counting macros, overworking to the detriment of time spent with loved ones, (______ fill in the blank) - so much so that my life has become unmanageable.

The point here is to cater this exploration to that thing in your life that is taking up so much mental real estate in your brain that you are missing out on the simple joys littered throughout the day. The thing that you are mentally micromanaging so much that your days feel unmanageable. Because you are funneling all your energy in this one spot.

And let me be clear - this thing can be a “healthy” thing, something society might deem admirable or characteristically “good.” Like being a caretaker or a volunteer or a dedicated worker at your job. The only requirement here is that you be honest about the something you are willing to look at over these twelve weeks. And, if you’re like me, there may be more than one thing.

With the honesty comes some inventory. How/when/where is this behavior or substance making my life unmanageable?

Step one is deemed by many to be the hardest step. For me, it is the one that kept me away from the rooms of AA. I couldn’t get past the word powerless. Maybe because it is coupled with the word admit. Admit powerlessness. I like to think I am pretty self-aware but admitting I am not in control of my own actions scares the shit out of me. I guess it’s the whittling away at the ego that kept me from stepping into the steps.

Here’s the part where I have to get honest on the page and with myself:

My newest and biggest addiction right now is avoidance. Not the standard procrastination that all us humans slip into. Avoidance of what needs to happen next. What needs to be said and to whom. Avoidance of conversations that I need to have with others and just as importantly, with myself.

The thing is: this avoidance has been with me all along.

I just find myself doubling down on it lately. Hard. I am kicking the can down the road so habitually that I don’t even recognize which street I’m on any longer. It’s like the road led me to an arena where all that happens inside is one constant loop of dodge ball. The balls flying at me are all the things I know I need to face/name/do and I’m just bobbing and weaving, ducking my head and closing my eyes.

One of the ways I return to myself is my monthly visit to a reiki healer. For those unfamiliar, reiki is an energy-healing practice. It always shifts something for me, physically and emotionally. Then, it is up to me to maintain and do my best to stay in that energy field. But guess what stampedes the field (yes, the dodge balls!)

When on the reiki table, the energy field that is almost always imbalanced for me is my 3rd chakra. The solar plexus. Guess what this chakra is? The body’s energy powerhouse. POWER. There’s that word again. And mine is habitually blocked.

In a nutshell, I am not stepping into my power. I am running from it. Hiding from it. Distracting myself away from it. With behaviors that are making my life less manageable. With addictive and avoidant behaviors that are making me feel powerless.

I’ve avoided looking at the twelve steps for so long. Despite all of what I’ve said above, I also know that two things can be true. I’ve also been on an upward trajectory in my recovery- I feel such tremendous growth in many areas, and I also feel myself, at times, stumbling back down.

Like a game of chutes and ladders. I go up then slide way down.

I know the steps will be so confronting because I’ll be forced to face all the faces of myself that I’ve been avoiding. The intimidation of admitting I still have so much work to do.

The intimidation of staring at the staircase of emotional sobriety knowing I’m still at a bottom tier.

I never considered AA because of this very first step. “Powerlessness” deterred me from ever entering the room. I couldn’t understand how a program that wants me to insist I am powerless would work. In my mind, power is directed energy. How can I get energized to beat this monstrous addiction to alcohol by admitting I am depleted of power/depleted of energy?

But, once I started doing the work (outside of AA), I realized it shifts from this thing (alcohol or _____ fill in the blank) has such power over me

to

I have the power to not drink today. We can change how we pick up the language. Consider it an active verb, not a noun. Shift the focus to you, not the substance or behavior.

While taking an honest look at our addictions does require admitting their grip on us, I like to also hold onto the notion that we don’t have to give our power away. When we really look inside ourselves, what makes us tick, we figure out the why underneath the behavior. Doing so, you can reclaim some internal power. But it’s HARD. It’s hard to go deep inside. It can get murky in there.

Adam of Rehabitus® puts it so succinctly here:

To have power, I think we need to be conscious. The modern world we live in offers us so many opportunities in a given day to go unconscious. To numb out.

I’ve been working a program, not traditional AA but I’ve been very dedicated to a program.¹ I’ve managed to not have a drink in 4+ years. AND now, after all this time, after all this work, I’m now beginning to see that my program has been working me. My program of ruminating thoughts, limited beliefs, preconceived notions of who I need to be, what I need to do/accomplish, has been working me.

I haven’t been fully conscious while doing this work.

I think I’m starting to wake up to that. And it’s scary. It’s very confronting. It feels necessary.

Because I trust anything that comes out of the mouth or mind of Richard Rohr, my first immersion into the steps was by reading Breathing Under Water.² In the introduction, Rohr sums up so succinctly (and convincingly, to me) why he believes Jesus and the Twelve Steps were saying the same thing:

We suffer to get well,

We surrender to win.

We die to live,

We give it away to keep it.

I’ve never heard a better, more succinct description of what I’ve experienced (so far) in recovery. It’s in facing the suffering that we heal. It’s in the letting go that we find freedom. It’s in facing our own mini-ego deaths that we truly wake up. We share this with others, by way of service, to keep us in faith.

Rohr states from the jump that he is writing this book with his assumption that we are all addicts. He goes on to say that “stinking thinking” is the universal addiction. “Substance addictions like alcohol and drugs are merely the most visible forms of addiction, but actually we are all addicted to our own habitual way of doing anything, our defenses, and most especially, our patterned way of thinking, or how we process our reality.”

This way of thinking, all the thought loops that get you stuck like molasses in your mind, keeps you blind from truly seeing that which will actually expands your aperture. Rumination and its twin sister rehearsing are often blindfolds and a set of handcuffs. You’ll lose sight of what you are truly here to do, and your hands will be so tied up with filling yourself with distractions in your mind that you never get to taste the sweet sauce of life.

I know religion and “God talk” can be a barrier which deters people from entering this program and I am not one who reads much scripture myself, but this passage felt safer for me to identify with than the actual words of step one.

“I cannot understand my own behavior. I fail to carry out the very things I want to do and find myself doing the very things I hate……for although the will to do what is good is in me, the performance is not.”

-Romans 7:15, 18

Yeah, go back and read that one again. How did that land?

What’s so wild to me is the addictive nature of stress. We can become addicted to stress, and then our bodies, so familiar with cortisol, and all its stress induced companions, feels freakishly safe. To the point of that stress is what feels familiar, so soothing to our system. The stress soup we all keep slurping feels like home. Except that kind of home is not a sanctuary. And that diet of stress soup will get us all sick.

If you grew up in an environment where stress was a daily presence, an addiction to stress makes total sense. It feels familiar. It feels like family.

Here’s one for you: Are you addicted to “living inside the news?” I mean, how can we not lately, right? But how is that really serving you? Your power? I know when I spend too much time consuming the news, I feel helpless and enraged. Is there actual power in spewing our discontent online? Would it be more effective, more liberating, to start smaller?

How can we turn our attention and gaze towards the community right here in our own neighborhoods? The small community under our very roof. There’s so much that can be done on the ground floor. It’s so easy to lose sight of that.

Life keeps showing me it is one big box of paradox - by letting go, you hold on to yourself. You strip down to the core of you. The inner chambers of what makes your body feel tethered. Tethered and grounded to your own universal truths.

When we open our eyes to all that we’ve refused to look at, when we wade through the murky waters of our darkest parts of our mind, we can find reclamation and eventually, restoration.

By claiming our powerlessness, admitting that it needs our attention, we reclaim something else. It resembles integrity. By loosening our grips on control, we shift into a different kind of power. It’s called honesty.

I’m only just beginning to peel that back. I know it will take time. And many reminders to not go back to sleep.

Photo by meriç tuna on Unsplash

I said this last week and I think it bears repeating: PLEASE keep in mind that I am not an addiction specialist. I hold zero degrees or certifications in counseling. I am just a person who has a litany of addictions that are super skilled in the game of whack-a-mole. I will be coming here with my experience only and that, really, is the only thing I am an expert in. I am an expert of my experiences, and you are of yours. Let’s keep that in mind.

JOURNAL PROMPTS/REFLECTIONS:

1. Rohr states: “The reason we do anything one more time is because the last time did not really satisfy us deeply.” How does this notion of one more time or even just the word “more” relate to being honest with yourself? What are you seeking in the more?

2. What does the word powerlessness stir up in you? Is it synonymous with control? Complete this sentence and see where it takes you: I feel out of control when _______________________.

3. In what area(s) of your life are you not stepping into your power? Do you see any patterns?

A reminder that the comment section during the majority of this 12-week challenge will only be for paid subscribers. I feel this is necessary in order to provide a safe space to share on what is likely to be some sensitive and brave content. Keep an eye on the chat feature for paid subscribers, too. I hope to cultivate that as an optional space we can visit to share insights

If you want all access to the content and discussions that will transpire over the course of this challenge, you can take advantage of my current sale of 30% off paid subscriptions through March 31, 2025. Only three more days to lock in at the discounted rate. Click here to upgrade.

If you can only offer a one-time gesture of support, you can do so below.

ADDED BONUS: PLAYLIST

If music helps you see inside yourself (it does for me!) here are some songs that nudge me towards more honest, authentic connections (with myself and others).

ADDED BONUS: PODCAST

This conversation between Brené Brown and Father Richard Rohr is perfection. I highly recommend listening as a companion to this challenge. It dives right into the text of Breathing Under Water - Spirituality and the Twelve Steps and on spirituality, suffering, gratitude, and grace.

Brené with Father Richard Rohr on Breathing Under Water, Falling Upward, and Unlearning Certainty, Part 1 of 2

and

The conversation on the For the Love Podcast with Jen Hatmaker episode 41: Fixing the Broken Pieces with Ian Morgan Cron where Ian explains his process behind writing his book The Fix³ in which he states, “Most Twelve Steps meetings happen in church or synagogue basements, after hours. And I wondered, does anyone upstairs know about the miracles that are going on downstairs? And why can’t we release what’s happening down here so that people up there can take advantage of it?”

1. The Luckiest Club/Online Sobriety Support

2. Breathing Under Water - Spirituality and the Twelve Steps

3. The Fix