What My Daughter and March Madness are Teaching Me About Being a Woman
This past year, my 10-year-old daughter fell in love with the game of basketball. She has been cast in its spell. About 5 years ago, she handed me her tutus and princess dresses that she scraped up from the floor of her closet and said, “Mom, I’m just a sporty girl. I don’t want these.”
This is a girl who knows herself. She knows what she wants and will definitely tell you what she does not want. I have always described this second born child as “the one with big feelings.” She is quick to tears, and I regrettably admit that for so long when her tears were a nuisance or an embarrassment (i.e. a perceived extension or representation as to how I was parenting), I would urge her scornfully to “put those tears away.”
What I am learning the more I parent her is that those tears she sheds, every one of them, are drops of evidence that she is paying attention.
And right now (tonight, in fact) what is gripping national attention are the female athletes competing in the NCAA Division 1 women’s basketball tournament. My daughter has been watching closely. And she is noticing. Noticing all the emotion.
Caitlin Clark is becoming a household name. No one has scored more than her in college ball division 1 history. No one. She is changing the trajectory of sports for female athletes. And she’s sharing the stage with many others who are doing the same: Angel Reese, Juju Watkins, Paige Bueckers. Every year March Madness sweeps in and grabs hold of American consciousness for a few wild weeks. This year, the top 4 stars riding to the top are female.
The media wants us to buy into the click bait that these women are enemies but what I see is healthy female competition. This is a script many don’t like to write. The stories that have more cultural appeal are the ones where women are combatants who hate on each other. Get off the stage, it’s mine. And I won’t share the spotlight.
I was listening to a podcast last week titled, The Caitlin Clark Phenomenon (because I’m swept up in it, too). In it, you hear a segment of a post-game interview with her saying:
“Competition belongs. Men trash talk all the time. We all should be able to play with that emotion. That’s how I’m going to continue to play. That’s how every girl should continue to play.”1
Monday night’s Iowa v. LSU game (the “Clark v. Reese rematch”) broke viewership records. ESPN announced the next day that 12.3 million viewers were watching. As my daughter glued her eyes to the tv screen she said, “Mom, this feels like the Superbowl.’ Yeah, baby. I know. It’s AWESOME.
I wanted to point out to my impressionable daughter that all those girls on the court respected each other, that this is just a game, and remind her that they will lock eyes and shake hands at the end. To keep it in perspective.
But Caitlin is teaching that to all our daughters. And our sons.
After the game, Clark, who scored 41 points while setting a record for the most 3-pointers in a tournament game, was asked, "Was revenge on your mind coming into this game for what happened last year?"
To be fair, it's not a super unreasonable question. The expectations for this game were the same, even if the outcome wasn't. People expected to see two rivals battling it out, each looking to get past the other for a chance to play in the Final Four. But most of the people watching expected it was personal--at least, for Iowa.
"To be honest, no," Clark said. "We prepared for this game. We focused on Iowa. We do what Iowa does, and we'll come out on top. It's not about last year. You worry too much about the past, you'll get caught up in that. It's about being present where your feet are." 2
Being where your feet are (staying grounded and present). Focusing on Iowa (stay in your lane, don’t worry about what others are doing or chirping at you). THESE are life lessons I want my kids to carry with them.
Caitlin Clark is modeling that girls can and should share the spotlight with male athletes. And she’s modeling for all those who wish to emulate her the importance of emotional regulation. Hell, she’s teaching me, too. I struggle with this often.
My daughter is a skilled basketball player. And she is aware of it. This awareness has a tendency to stir up some big feelings when she is out on the floor. She puts a lot of pressure on herself. I see it in her face. I see her trying to shove down the angst of good shots that don’t land, not wanting to disappoint her teammates, the prick of a loss after a close game. She is a fierce competitor.
I used to worry after the games when I would see her pain. Or what I perceived as pain. I still worry when I see her struggling to regulate her emotions mid-game. She is putting in a lot of work to stay stoic on the floor. And sometimes, what that means is that the release valve lets go once the clock hits 0:00. Sometimes, she walks off the court with tangled tears after an intense game. Her raw emotions and inhibition to let them fall despite winning makes me beam with pride, actually. Her ability to put a voice to the myriad of reasons they are falling (joy AND frustration she told me as we drove home) is something I will always admire. My 10-year-old showed me how to be unmoored. She is so attuned to her insides. I want that.
If I’m being completely honest, I’m envious of her. For having figured it out at such a young age. Witnessing this in her, I am equal parts proud and equal parts scared for her. Because I know, as a woman, the toll it can take when you shove down the feelings. And how scary it can feel when they bubble and burst to the top.
This world doesn’t know how to hold an angry woman. Especially if she is dark-skinned. When we showcase our angst or frustration or even terror, it is not welcome. We have to regulate that. Tamper it down. Feeling unheard, some of us then turn to food to eat at our feelings or to alcohol to drink at our feelings, or we mindlessly scroll or spend. We do this over and over until eventually, we learn to numb ourselves and ignore our true insides. This is why I love seeing bold, strong, female athletes show us what being in our bodies looks like.
One of my favorite lines is from The Book of Longings by Sue Monk Kidd:
“Bless the largeness inside me. No matter how I fear it”
Let’s teach our girls to not fear it. Thank you Caitlin, Angel, JuJu and Paige. We are watching.
**If you are caught up in the awesomeness of NCAAW basketball, a GREAT read about all of this is here
does a tremendous job of distilling how healthy competition is good for all of us and what passion in sports can teach us.
Some housekeeping:
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One more thing:
Before I sign off, I want to let my readers know about the
Substack which is an extension of Sober App—a free app to help you discover freedom through sober living. I was a recent contributor for their publication and shared a deeply heartfelt essay on parenting, as a drinker and as a sober mom. It was painful to write about the pain lived back then. You can find that here
YOUR TURN:
What is your relationship with sports? How has it expanded your humanity - as a participant or spectator?
Do you struggle with emotional regulation? If you are a parent, how are you modeling this for your kids? Or how are they modeling this for you?
Yes C expects alot of herself on the court and yes she has big feelings. Yes she is learning alot from watching Caitlin, Juju, Paige and Ashlee. But you Mama, she is watching you all the time. You are impressed with how in touch she is with her "big feelings"...but alot of that comes from modeling after YOU. You are her role model, she adores you and is learning much of coping skills from you. So yes thank you Caitlin, Paige, Juju and Ashlee...but thank YOU Allison for all you do to model great behaviors and teach this impressionable 10 year old to be her best self.
Last year my 9 year old daughter developed a deep love for football. It kind of came out of nowhere although I suspect she is trying to impress my husband and my MIL. But now she has a genuine love for the game - she’s requested that her room in our new house is Miami Dolphins theme, she is also hell-bent on finding a flag football team to join. I grew up as a gymnast/swimmer/tumbler so this is new to me. I’m here for the passion though! 🙌🏻