This was so beautiful, Allison. You've reinforced for me through your writing that nature is our quiet teacher and I love how you've spun metaphors for life from the spider webs around you. As for your questions, I also clear the cobwebs of my mind through walks or time spent in nature--ideally, on the beaches of Florida's Gulf Coast, or as I am now, along the Mediterranean in Barcelona (and not long ago, the dramatic Atlantic coast of northern Portugal). Meditation and reading poetry or reflective readings like Mark Nepo's also have a clarifying effect, so I can weave the web of my own thoughts with more intention, less angst.
As for the second question, I have a complex relationship with the word "recovery." There is a part of me that thinks, now sober since Feb 1, 2021, that the recovery is behind me; whatever it was that drew me to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol is gone--poof! Forever! But like the persistent spider web outside your office, I realize that this thinking itself is a bit wishful, wanting to force a conclusion upon something that is in fact fluid. In fact, on this trip in Spain and Portugal, as my daughter enjoyed her wine and port, I felt, for the first time in a long time, a longing not to "miss out" on everything that life in this part of Europe had to offer, including its wine. But a couple of sips of her port and wine, out of curiousity (could I become an occaional, healthy drinker?) confirmed for me what had been my experience when I quite accidentally a year into my sobriety tasted my daughter's red wine instead of my n/a wine--a very unpleasant taste and feeling inside me. Yuck. Ugh. All I taste is the alcohol, the ethanol. I've lost my taste for it. But I see that I still have more recovery work to do in being completely at peace with the idea that my lack of appreciation for what I once thought essential to my life is perfectly okay--that I am not missing out on anything essential. In fact, my mind and heart will stay more clear, alert, present as my wine-drinking companions become inevitably affected by the alcohol. I don't judge their choices--and I must be at peace with my own choices.
Amy - thank you for this honest and thoughtful response. I totally understand because I, too, slip into romanticizing (I think that’s the word that fits best) what drinking brings (whether that be a compliment to a meal, a shared experience socially or just a relief valve after a tough day). Recovery for me is fluid (that is a perfect description - thank you for that!) It will surely ebb and flow. And that’s ok.
What gets me through all that and what allows me access to all that is “more intention, less angst.” That is it!
Thanks for sharing here. Your words always land just where I need resonance 🫶🫶
No lie .... as soon as I finish this response, I feel like I MUST research the art of web design for spiders! What is the science behind why they keep recreating a web in the same spot, time and time again after you break it down? LOL! Just like, why do they keep buidling them in my washing machine if I forget to shut the cover!! Probably, it's something like the perfect conditions?
Clearing the cobwebs in my mind is now becoming the work of my life, right? I've said it a zillion times in the last several months... but at 56 and nearing a year and 1/2 of sobriety, it's like I just woke up to my own life! Part of that is realizing this intricate web of conditioned responses, beliefs, notions, etc.... that have devloped over my life time and woven themselves into the fabric of my being. Much like the spider's web is to capture her prey, it's as though those cob webs in my mind have captured my true spirit, my true nature. Clearing out the cob webs for me is just beginning, but also becoming a daily practice that involves noticing nature on purpose and tuning out the noise of the world intentionally.
For me, decades ago, recovery was for "them" not "me". In my naivity I had no idea what I was thinking, nor understanding the deep web that led me to want to alter my reality on a regular basis. Altering my reality through drinking was something I did mindlessly for decades ... with no inkling of understanding that I was trying to escape my own life, actually what I was trying to escape or change was myself, for whatever reason, for all the reasons. Recovery for me is about discovering who I really am now. It is such a process though, it takes patience, time and compassion for myself to endure it and continue to follow where it takes me. It's all unchartered for me. There is actually a level of grief involved as I let go of all the things that I thought made me who I was ... actually more so, those things that I thought counted me worthy. Recovery has really been about nurturing the relationship I have with myself. Knowing that I've been doing the best I can with the tools I had, for all these years. Knowing that I didn't know what I didn't know because I couldn't know until I really saw the truth, or was brave enough to really look at the truth. Recovery has become the gift of discovering myself. It's not all good, it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but it's real and it's the journey of a lifetime. I am so grateful I've had the opportunity to be on this journey with so many amazing travelers!!
Now, off to do some spider web research! It's a rainy day here ... should be easy to find one or two!
I love every word you crafted here. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Please circle back with your spider research because I’m totally intrigued myself.
This right here: “Knowing that I didn't know what I didn't know because I couldn't know until I really saw the truth, or was brave enough to really look at the truth. “
☄️☄️☄️☄️
We fall into grace when we are able to accept that it took what it took for us to wake up and get honest enough to change - and THAT grace is the secret sauce in recovery (IMO).
I’m so grateful to know you. And do this work of my life alongside you because we CAN step into our true spirit - no matter how long we hid from it. 💞
I read this several times because it felt like calm and beauty to my mind, much like taking an actual walk in nature. These photos are exquisite-that web in your office window! And that web in the flowers looks like a Waterford crystal bowl. When I see spider webs of that size and gorgeousness like in your office, I can't help but think of Charlotte from Charlotte's Web and yes, our interconnectedness. Your leaving the web, after trying to take a stick to it repeatedly, makes me think of acceptance in sobriety-how at first we fight what is, but then, when we accept what is, not only is life easier, but we get the gift of being able to see more of the beauty and complexity in it.
You may be shining a light on others' writing, but your own words and your own heart shine so brightly here on Substack.
Thanks for the generous mention, Allison. At the reading I attended a while back, a woman shared a poem about breaking up with her boyfriend in her sleep and spiders being under the covers with her. I can’t stop thinking about how I loved it so much that I wished I had written it.
I have this thing for non-poisonous spiders. I try to leave them undisturbed in the corners of rooms, but eventually my house starts to look haunted. I like it that they eat the other bugs. If they aren’t there, who is going to eat the other bugs?
Love shining the light on other writers. Thank you! My column Voices On Addiction at The Rumpus is just one way I’ve been led and honored to do so. A newbie here on Substack, I’m finding my way around and to community and connection. ⚡️🌈⚡️
Those little tiny spiderwebs are so cute! Our garden is currently FULL of spiders and spiderwebs, I keep walking into them accidentally. Which I DO not enjoy! But yes, nature absolutely is a teacher to me and always the place where I feel most grateful, most calm and most content. Thank you for sharing my words as part of National Recovery Month
Thanks for sharing so much of yourself in your writing, Ellie. Your approach to recovery - with heart led compassion and curiosity has been so inspiring to me. 💞
Last night I noticed a big huntsman momma carrying a sack of her babies under her belly. My first instinct was to tense up and try to move her along, but I quickly gave up realising that she was gonna do what she was gonna do 🤣. This morning I woke up, momma was nowhere to be seen, but the sack was on my dog's bed, babies spilling out of it. Now they're all gone, as if nothing ever happened!
The cobwebs have been really sticky in my mind this month (Virgo season has had me in a chokehold), but the one thing that's helping me clear them is dancing. I've started taking dance lessons, and at home I find myself turning on music and just moving around my living room when I need a break. It's nice to spend that time with my body, rather than stuck in the loop of my mind!
You are BRAVE! Huntsman spiders are big! I don’t think I would have fallen asleep 😬
Thanks for reminding me that Virgo season is ripe with sticky knots. I’ve definitely been feeling mental tension- which is why I find I NEED to be outside even more than usual. To break through the webs upstairs 😉
I took a page from your book last time I was cleaning my bathrooms. I remember a post of yours where you said you incorporated dance into the chore of cleaning your house. Instead of tuning into a podcast while I scrubbed away, I blasted some tunes and danced around. It definitely made the chore way less of a slog. Thanks Kaitlyn!
They are SO big!! 🤣 My old house was a traditional teak bungalow, and I could see through the boards of the walls (which meant critters often came inside). I remember one huntsman that took up residence on the inside of my window and we struck a deal that if he caught the other critters he could live there rent free, as long as he didn’t move 🤣
I love that you’re leaning into that earth energy to unstick the knots. It’s such a beautiful way through this energy. 🫶 I’m also super thrilled to hear about your dancing and cleaning!! YAY! 💃
I’m intensely afraid of spiders — once when I was little, I saw a spider in the house while my parents were out. I sat on the kitchen table until they came home.
BUT it is possible for me to appreciate their beauty while honoring my fear. I can stare at their incredible artwork and be grateful for how they help maintain our ecosystem. But still shuffle away quickly when I see one!
This was so beautiful, Allison. You've reinforced for me through your writing that nature is our quiet teacher and I love how you've spun metaphors for life from the spider webs around you. As for your questions, I also clear the cobwebs of my mind through walks or time spent in nature--ideally, on the beaches of Florida's Gulf Coast, or as I am now, along the Mediterranean in Barcelona (and not long ago, the dramatic Atlantic coast of northern Portugal). Meditation and reading poetry or reflective readings like Mark Nepo's also have a clarifying effect, so I can weave the web of my own thoughts with more intention, less angst.
As for the second question, I have a complex relationship with the word "recovery." There is a part of me that thinks, now sober since Feb 1, 2021, that the recovery is behind me; whatever it was that drew me to have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol is gone--poof! Forever! But like the persistent spider web outside your office, I realize that this thinking itself is a bit wishful, wanting to force a conclusion upon something that is in fact fluid. In fact, on this trip in Spain and Portugal, as my daughter enjoyed her wine and port, I felt, for the first time in a long time, a longing not to "miss out" on everything that life in this part of Europe had to offer, including its wine. But a couple of sips of her port and wine, out of curiousity (could I become an occaional, healthy drinker?) confirmed for me what had been my experience when I quite accidentally a year into my sobriety tasted my daughter's red wine instead of my n/a wine--a very unpleasant taste and feeling inside me. Yuck. Ugh. All I taste is the alcohol, the ethanol. I've lost my taste for it. But I see that I still have more recovery work to do in being completely at peace with the idea that my lack of appreciation for what I once thought essential to my life is perfectly okay--that I am not missing out on anything essential. In fact, my mind and heart will stay more clear, alert, present as my wine-drinking companions become inevitably affected by the alcohol. I don't judge their choices--and I must be at peace with my own choices.
Amy - thank you for this honest and thoughtful response. I totally understand because I, too, slip into romanticizing (I think that’s the word that fits best) what drinking brings (whether that be a compliment to a meal, a shared experience socially or just a relief valve after a tough day). Recovery for me is fluid (that is a perfect description - thank you for that!) It will surely ebb and flow. And that’s ok.
What gets me through all that and what allows me access to all that is “more intention, less angst.” That is it!
Thanks for sharing here. Your words always land just where I need resonance 🫶🫶
No lie .... as soon as I finish this response, I feel like I MUST research the art of web design for spiders! What is the science behind why they keep recreating a web in the same spot, time and time again after you break it down? LOL! Just like, why do they keep buidling them in my washing machine if I forget to shut the cover!! Probably, it's something like the perfect conditions?
Clearing the cobwebs in my mind is now becoming the work of my life, right? I've said it a zillion times in the last several months... but at 56 and nearing a year and 1/2 of sobriety, it's like I just woke up to my own life! Part of that is realizing this intricate web of conditioned responses, beliefs, notions, etc.... that have devloped over my life time and woven themselves into the fabric of my being. Much like the spider's web is to capture her prey, it's as though those cob webs in my mind have captured my true spirit, my true nature. Clearing out the cob webs for me is just beginning, but also becoming a daily practice that involves noticing nature on purpose and tuning out the noise of the world intentionally.
For me, decades ago, recovery was for "them" not "me". In my naivity I had no idea what I was thinking, nor understanding the deep web that led me to want to alter my reality on a regular basis. Altering my reality through drinking was something I did mindlessly for decades ... with no inkling of understanding that I was trying to escape my own life, actually what I was trying to escape or change was myself, for whatever reason, for all the reasons. Recovery for me is about discovering who I really am now. It is such a process though, it takes patience, time and compassion for myself to endure it and continue to follow where it takes me. It's all unchartered for me. There is actually a level of grief involved as I let go of all the things that I thought made me who I was ... actually more so, those things that I thought counted me worthy. Recovery has really been about nurturing the relationship I have with myself. Knowing that I've been doing the best I can with the tools I had, for all these years. Knowing that I didn't know what I didn't know because I couldn't know until I really saw the truth, or was brave enough to really look at the truth. Recovery has become the gift of discovering myself. It's not all good, it's not all sunshine and rainbows, but it's real and it's the journey of a lifetime. I am so grateful I've had the opportunity to be on this journey with so many amazing travelers!!
Now, off to do some spider web research! It's a rainy day here ... should be easy to find one or two!
Judy! I’m crying right now. 🥹
I love every word you crafted here. Thank you for sharing them with us.
Please circle back with your spider research because I’m totally intrigued myself.
This right here: “Knowing that I didn't know what I didn't know because I couldn't know until I really saw the truth, or was brave enough to really look at the truth. “
☄️☄️☄️☄️
We fall into grace when we are able to accept that it took what it took for us to wake up and get honest enough to change - and THAT grace is the secret sauce in recovery (IMO).
I’m so grateful to know you. And do this work of my life alongside you because we CAN step into our true spirit - no matter how long we hid from it. 💞
This is beautiful and wise, Judy. I can relate to so much of this in the final paragraph. Thank you for sharing from your heart.
I read this several times because it felt like calm and beauty to my mind, much like taking an actual walk in nature. These photos are exquisite-that web in your office window! And that web in the flowers looks like a Waterford crystal bowl. When I see spider webs of that size and gorgeousness like in your office, I can't help but think of Charlotte from Charlotte's Web and yes, our interconnectedness. Your leaving the web, after trying to take a stick to it repeatedly, makes me think of acceptance in sobriety-how at first we fight what is, but then, when we accept what is, not only is life easier, but we get the gift of being able to see more of the beauty and complexity in it.
You may be shining a light on others' writing, but your own words and your own heart shine so brightly here on Substack.
Thank you, Rosemary. I appreciate you.
And yes, {*sigh*}. Acceptance. That is a word and a lesson I will keep rubbing up next to over and over again.
I was also fascinated by the crystal like formation of the web in the grassy flowers. Spiders are incredible artists, right?!?!
Loved this so much! Your photos are beautiful, too.
P.S. Now I have “Spiderwebs” by No Doubt in my head 🕸️
Thanks Tawny! Me too now 😃
“Leave a message and I’ll call you back……..” 🎵🎵🕷️🕸️
Thanks for the generous mention, Allison. At the reading I attended a while back, a woman shared a poem about breaking up with her boyfriend in her sleep and spiders being under the covers with her. I can’t stop thinking about how I loved it so much that I wished I had written it.
I have this thing for non-poisonous spiders. I try to leave them undisturbed in the corners of rooms, but eventually my house starts to look haunted. I like it that they eat the other bugs. If they aren’t there, who is going to eat the other bugs?
I’ve stopped crunching and killing the spiders I find, too. Something in me lately respects them (?) and appreciates the work they do 🙃🕸️
That poem sounds hauntingly good!
Love shining the light on other writers. Thank you! My column Voices On Addiction at The Rumpus is just one way I’ve been led and honored to do so. A newbie here on Substack, I’m finding my way around and to community and connection. ⚡️🌈⚡️
Thanks for your voice in this space, Kelly. I look forward to reading more of your work!
Yes yes yes to shining the light out and speaking up 🔦🔦📢📢
Those little tiny spiderwebs are so cute! Our garden is currently FULL of spiders and spiderwebs, I keep walking into them accidentally. Which I DO not enjoy! But yes, nature absolutely is a teacher to me and always the place where I feel most grateful, most calm and most content. Thank you for sharing my words as part of National Recovery Month
Thanks for sharing so much of yourself in your writing, Ellie. Your approach to recovery - with heart led compassion and curiosity has been so inspiring to me. 💞
Last night I noticed a big huntsman momma carrying a sack of her babies under her belly. My first instinct was to tense up and try to move her along, but I quickly gave up realising that she was gonna do what she was gonna do 🤣. This morning I woke up, momma was nowhere to be seen, but the sack was on my dog's bed, babies spilling out of it. Now they're all gone, as if nothing ever happened!
The cobwebs have been really sticky in my mind this month (Virgo season has had me in a chokehold), but the one thing that's helping me clear them is dancing. I've started taking dance lessons, and at home I find myself turning on music and just moving around my living room when I need a break. It's nice to spend that time with my body, rather than stuck in the loop of my mind!
That sounds like a fair bargain to make with the 🕷️🤣
You are BRAVE! Huntsman spiders are big! I don’t think I would have fallen asleep 😬
Thanks for reminding me that Virgo season is ripe with sticky knots. I’ve definitely been feeling mental tension- which is why I find I NEED to be outside even more than usual. To break through the webs upstairs 😉
I took a page from your book last time I was cleaning my bathrooms. I remember a post of yours where you said you incorporated dance into the chore of cleaning your house. Instead of tuning into a podcast while I scrubbed away, I blasted some tunes and danced around. It definitely made the chore way less of a slog. Thanks Kaitlyn!
They are SO big!! 🤣 My old house was a traditional teak bungalow, and I could see through the boards of the walls (which meant critters often came inside). I remember one huntsman that took up residence on the inside of my window and we struck a deal that if he caught the other critters he could live there rent free, as long as he didn’t move 🤣
I love that you’re leaning into that earth energy to unstick the knots. It’s such a beautiful way through this energy. 🫶 I’m also super thrilled to hear about your dancing and cleaning!! YAY! 💃
I’m intensely afraid of spiders — once when I was little, I saw a spider in the house while my parents were out. I sat on the kitchen table until they came home.
BUT it is possible for me to appreciate their beauty while honoring my fear. I can stare at their incredible artwork and be grateful for how they help maintain our ecosystem. But still shuffle away quickly when I see one!
Yeah, they are creepy! I will admit, I’m much less tolerant of them when I find them in my home. Because my bed is in my home 😬🕸️🕷️
They do weave some cool art though, right?