Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave

Readying yourself for redemption and making amends (and more lists)

I’m showing up this week knee deep in actively working some steps. I’m not really sure where this one will go but I’m willing to expose the underbelly of my process. This week, our task is to get underneath Steps Eight and Nine. The ones that pivot our focus outward, to others.

Our DARE TO BE 12 Step Challenge is rounding a corner. It might appear like we are close to a finish line, but the truth is this work never ends.

Steps one through three are about repairing your relationship with the God of your understanding or your Higher Power. Steps four through seven are about repairing your relationship with yourself. Now we gaze out more with Steps Eight and Nine. This is the part where we start repairing our relationship with others.

Indira Gandhi said, “Forgiveness is a virtue of the brave.” Yes, and seeking forgiveness is a muscle we can train. If our heart is in the right place.

STEP EIGHT:

“Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”

STEP NINE:

“Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

This part might be the hardest. Because we’re owning up how our role in our addictions and compulsions harmed others. It takes courage and conscientious consideration. A bird’s eye view of how to approach these are as follows:

Step 8: Making Your List

1. Be thorough and honest—list all people harmed, not just those you feel comfortable addressing.

2. Recognize the impact—consider both direct and indirect harm caused by your past actions.

3. Work on willingness—even if making amends feels overwhelming, start by cultivating the readiness to do so. This means not everyone on your list needs to be directly approached. Some names will end up on the cutting room floor. So let your list be extensive (exhaustive even) if that helps you gain momentum with being willing to roll up your sleeves.

4. Use support—talk to a sponsor, mentor, therapist or trusted friend to gain clarity and reassurance.

   

   Photo by Hannah Olinger on Unsplash

My approach to this part feels embarrassing to bring here. But I’ll bring it, nonetheless. It feels oh so very navel gazing to say this, but my list so far is long and littered with many harms caused. But it only has one name on it.

Mine.

My list so far consists of all the ways I’ve harmed and betrayed myself. No one else has made my list yet. It’s not because I lack the willingness to look at how I hurt others with my addictions. It’s because I know I need to steady myself in some real self-compassion first. I need to lay down for a gentle sway in the hammock of my heart and recall all the harm my drinking caused to my body, my self-esteem and the relationship with myself first.

Please know that if you are in active recovery with yourself from any addiction or compulsion (it need not be alcohol or drugs) then you KNOW how to do these two steps. You’re already doing it. Our recovery is the living amends we make with ourselves. And I would argue it has to start there. You need to heal inside first.

When I started reading and writing about these Twelve Steps, I had no clue how it would land with me (and with you, my readers). It feels like I bit off more than I can chew. While I knew we were “toe dipping” into the steps in a very unconventional way, I managed to underestimate how big a lift this really is even with the “softer” guardrails and parameters.

With that said, I know I need more time here -with the eighth step. I have the willingness to keep going with it. I know there will be numerous names on the list, some I will make direct amends to and others indirectly or differently. But I can’t catapult myself into asking forgiveness of others until I forgive myself.

And I guess I’m not there just yet. Some pain is still pulsating and is asking for attention.

I took this encounter on my walk this morning as a sign that this is what is called of me. To slow down. To let my list linger. My pace is mine and that is fine.

The good part in all of this is I feel strong right now. My willingness to examine this role I played for so long, where my biggest opponent was myself, feels refreshing. I’m tossing my blinders off a cliff. I’m ready to rip up those rocks I threw at myself and really offer them up.

I’m trying my best not to include side bars in my lists. Excuses or justifications as to why I overeat, overanalyze, overspend. I wasted so much time justifying my drinking to myself. It did nothing but keep me stuck.

We’ve all heard what our friend Albert warned us of, “Problems cannot be solved with the same mindset that created them.”

My hope is that once I have made amends with myself, I can really do the heart changing work of making amends with others.

Is this me procrastinating? I don’t think so. I actually think this will get me closer to making an honest list of others. I will inevitably kick up some stuff that will lead me to discern the best way to ask forgiveness. So that it’s not about me but about the other person.

Maybe, just maybe, I need to still have this be about me for just a bit longer. Because I don’t want my amends to make the other person feel like they need to take care of me. This part really needs to be about others, not the one asking for forgiveness.

If the idea of making your list makes your past whip back in, be gentle with yourself. It will hurt. But just like grief - this work is here to teach you, not torture you.

Asking specifically for forgiveness is different than saying I’m sorry. "I'm sorry" expresses regret. It's an acknowledgment that you've done something wrong or that you've hurt someone. It’s a good practice to have but it focuses on your feelings—it’s self-focused. We’ve all been on the receiving side of an empty apology. It doesn’t feel good. Those apologies that have the word “but” in them - yeah, get rid of those. Stop overexplaining why you did what you did. You did it. It hurt this person. That’s what happened. This is not about exonerating yourself.

"Please forgive me" goes a step further. It not only expresses regret but also directly asks the other person to release any resentment or anger toward you. It's a request for reconciliation. And it’s extremely hard to do.

For me, the only people I am practiced at doing this with is my kids. Being a mom has taught me the importance of what a good repair can do. Rupture and repair. That has been the dance I’ve choreographed throughout the years.

I think all parents are guilty of taking our adult sized frustrations out on our kids. When they don’t see it coming, it can be so startling and disruptive. Some of the best conversations I’ve ever had with my kids were when I humbly asked them (usually at the end of the day when tucking them into bed),

“Is there anything I could have done better today as your mom?”

And I would turn the question on them, too. “Do you think you were a good friend to others today?”

Step 9: Three Types of Amends

1. Direct Amends – Taking personal responsibility and apologizing directly.

2. Indirect Amends – Repairing damage in ways that don’t involve direct contact. If direct contact isn’t possible or would be harmful, one might give back through charity or volunteer work.

3. Living Amends – Demonstrating lasting change through actions. Examples could be performing good deeds without seeking recognition, like paying for a stranger’s meal or helping someone in need. Mentoring or supporting others in recovery is another way.

The goal: do the best you can to sweep your side of the street clean, take responsibility when you create a mess and contribute positively to the world.

Photo by Zoe on Unsplash

I will say this each week of this Challenge: PLEASE keep in mind that I am not an addiction specialist. I hold zero degrees or certifications in counseling. I am just a person who has a litany of addictions that are super skilled in the game of whack-a-mole. I will be coming here with my experience only and that, really, is the only thing I am an expert in. I am an expert of my experiences, and you are of yours. Let’s keep that in mind.

JOURNAL PROMPTS/REFLECTIONS:

1. Did you ever experience a time when waiting to apologize paid off?

2. How are you with self-forgiveness? Is it easier to accept an apology from someone else than from yourself?

A reminder that the comment section during the majority of this 12-week challenge will only be for paid subscribers. I feel this is necessary in order to provide a safe space to share on what is likely to be some sensitive and brave content. Keep an eye on the chat feature for paid subscribers, too. I hope to cultivate that as an optional space we can visit to share insights.

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ADDED BONUS: STEPS EIGHT AND NINE PLAYLIST

If music helps you see inside yourself (it does for me!) here are some songs that remind me that forgiveness if fundamental. Do you have any you’d like to share?