What a beautiful piece, Allison. The picture of you & your dad is priceless, and it makes me smile thinking about the special relationship you had with him. The part that really hit me was when you talked about covid, how the world was watching in March, and then the moment it hit home. Schools shut down on March 13... I'll never forget it. Then this line - "The perfect petri dish for my alcohol addiction." Holy cow, ditto! My drinking was getting out of control before covid, but it went to a whole other level during and after it.
This piece also brought up other memories about my son through the years, all the birthdays, happy memories, and also a few sad times. Cameron was always a happy kid and loved going to school. It was only years later that he told me how awful middle school was. How he got bullied and didn't have many friends. I don't understand why he never told me! And how didn't I see it? He hid it so well:( I also pictured how happy he was to start his junior year at Penn State main campus. He literally walked with a bounce in his step as he entered his dorm hall, so excited to start a new year and live on his own. But then he ended up disliking his major, didn't bond with his roommate, and couldn't wait to graduate and come back home. Oh how I wish he would've had a positive college experience like I had. I also wish I could go back and protect him from all of the hard times, but I realize those experiences helped shaped him into the caring, sensitive person he has become.
Gosh, I always end up saying way more than I thought I would! Thanks for stirring up my thoughts and memories:)
Crystal - all feelings, thoughts, memories, emotions welcome! Always.
I can understand the “how didn’t I see it” that stirred up in you. As a mom, I’ve rubbed up against that many times. Kids are clever at hiding things. They want to protect us the same way we wish to keep them safe. It sounds to me like Cameron feels so open to share with you now. That’s a testament to you being open as a witness to him. 💕
I read this and my heart just wraps up in hope that my son has a positive college experience. He’s so excited to get there but I also know it could not live up to our expectations. And, as you say, that’s the stuff that shapes young men into caring open humans.
I’m just a few weeks shy of 3 years since my dad died. It definitely seems to have been one of the most pivotal moments, in terms of what it cracked open for me in the ensuing season. That is, in part, what prompted me to start writing here.
Thanks again for sharing and opening the conversation.
Oh Allison. Thank you for sharing this. So honest and vulnerable and generous in sharing this journey of yours, I also see you stroking your own hand, clasping it tightly for all the places you’ve been and have yet to go. You are blessed with love around you and within you. As for what I am holding that’s hard, my low back injury of Feb and these months of recovery have knocked me up against a lot of unprocessed trauma from my mom’s death last April. Along with grief, I now see that regret, guilt, self-blame have taken up residence in the complex web of responses to losing my mom, my life’s touchstone. She would want me to be happy but I can’t seem to let go of the sense of letting her down. Fortunately I am finally doing some therapy to work through it. I understand my grieving journey has no fixed beginning or end, and that’s okay. It’s that wild edge of sorrow, right? I am exploring it now.
Yes! That wild edge of sorrow. It grows in any direction it wants and we feel the thorns prick us over and over some days/some seasons. And - then there are the roses that grow in the grief garden. Reminding us we grieve because we know love.
Sending you so much love as you continue to hold all the complexities of your grief with Freda. 💗
Thank you - I am stroking my own hand. Sometimes I forget I am the one who can make it less shaky.
I'm not a crier. Yet everytime I read your work, I am so moved that the tears come. Wow!! I wish you could have held John's hand more or longer. But you got a big gift, which was to tell him, one last time, that you loved him. He passed surrounded by everyone that loved him and knowing he was loved by you and so many other. That is a blessing not many people get.
Watching our parents age is tough. It really let's you see how fast time passes. Janet is a strong lady, and loved by so many. Keep holding her up. Another gift many people don't get.
And sorry (not sorry) for making you cry. You know it’s my favorite way to pass the time. Tears are holy my sista!
And yes, grateful to have had the blessed goodbye. Many do not get that. You did not get that with your dad. Arthur knew how much you loved him and he still knows. Xoxoxo 😘
Beautiful piece. I have a 5 yo. ( and an almost 9 ). We are celebrating my moms 80th this year and I am close to 3 fingers sober. Totally feel times passing and how it brings us back and forward all at once. Being in nature is what can consistently be a time slowing remedy for me - love the birthday question - left me wondering. Glad you too the sharing leap.
What a beautiful writer you are. You captured so much of my heart. ❤️ thank you.
Janis - and you captured mine with this comment. Thanks for being here. 💟
This made me feel all the feels. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Laura. For reading, for feeling and for letting me know 🫶
What an absolutely stunning essay, Alison. Thank you so much for sharing. A whole hand.
Thank you, Birdy. I appreciate you being here, receiving it 🫶
What a beautiful piece, Allison. The picture of you & your dad is priceless, and it makes me smile thinking about the special relationship you had with him. The part that really hit me was when you talked about covid, how the world was watching in March, and then the moment it hit home. Schools shut down on March 13... I'll never forget it. Then this line - "The perfect petri dish for my alcohol addiction." Holy cow, ditto! My drinking was getting out of control before covid, but it went to a whole other level during and after it.
This piece also brought up other memories about my son through the years, all the birthdays, happy memories, and also a few sad times. Cameron was always a happy kid and loved going to school. It was only years later that he told me how awful middle school was. How he got bullied and didn't have many friends. I don't understand why he never told me! And how didn't I see it? He hid it so well:( I also pictured how happy he was to start his junior year at Penn State main campus. He literally walked with a bounce in his step as he entered his dorm hall, so excited to start a new year and live on his own. But then he ended up disliking his major, didn't bond with his roommate, and couldn't wait to graduate and come back home. Oh how I wish he would've had a positive college experience like I had. I also wish I could go back and protect him from all of the hard times, but I realize those experiences helped shaped him into the caring, sensitive person he has become.
Gosh, I always end up saying way more than I thought I would! Thanks for stirring up my thoughts and memories:)
Crystal - all feelings, thoughts, memories, emotions welcome! Always.
I can understand the “how didn’t I see it” that stirred up in you. As a mom, I’ve rubbed up against that many times. Kids are clever at hiding things. They want to protect us the same way we wish to keep them safe. It sounds to me like Cameron feels so open to share with you now. That’s a testament to you being open as a witness to him. 💕
I read this and my heart just wraps up in hope that my son has a positive college experience. He’s so excited to get there but I also know it could not live up to our expectations. And, as you say, that’s the stuff that shapes young men into caring open humans.
Thanks for reflecting here with me 💟
❤️
Beautiful writing Allison. Thank you for sharing these precious moments with us ❤
Thank you Vicki 🙏🏼🫶
That's such a great photo of you and your Dad! It stops me every time I see it.
Thanks Deirdre. It’s a fav of mine.
What you can’t see is that we are holding hands (the photo was snapped as we were dancing at my sister’s wedding). It felt fitting for this essay.
I’m just a few weeks shy of 3 years since my dad died. It definitely seems to have been one of the most pivotal moments, in terms of what it cracked open for me in the ensuing season. That is, in part, what prompted me to start writing here.
Thanks again for sharing and opening the conversation.
My dad’s name was Joe.
My dad’s name is John. Thank you Joe and John for getting us to the page 🙏🏼✍️
Ironically, to some extent, I think I only felt free to come to the page after my dad died.
Perhaps his death birthed something new in you.
I think it allowed me to step into something that I was probably afraid to do, because of my perception of his response.
I understand. That right there could be a rich writing prompt.
I understand that completely. The pull to write your way through grief.
Funny how pain like that can birth things that are so beautiful and freeing (writing). I’m so glad you bring that here.
What is your dad’s name?
Thanks so much for sharing this. As a lawyer myself who has seen what alcohol can do, I appreciate you sharing your struggle and journey.
Joy - thank you. This comment means a lot.
I speak up because so many high bottom drinkers fly under the radar. Until they don’t.
Thanks for being here and sharing.
Oh Allison. Thank you for sharing this. So honest and vulnerable and generous in sharing this journey of yours, I also see you stroking your own hand, clasping it tightly for all the places you’ve been and have yet to go. You are blessed with love around you and within you. As for what I am holding that’s hard, my low back injury of Feb and these months of recovery have knocked me up against a lot of unprocessed trauma from my mom’s death last April. Along with grief, I now see that regret, guilt, self-blame have taken up residence in the complex web of responses to losing my mom, my life’s touchstone. She would want me to be happy but I can’t seem to let go of the sense of letting her down. Fortunately I am finally doing some therapy to work through it. I understand my grieving journey has no fixed beginning or end, and that’s okay. It’s that wild edge of sorrow, right? I am exploring it now.
Yes! That wild edge of sorrow. It grows in any direction it wants and we feel the thorns prick us over and over some days/some seasons. And - then there are the roses that grow in the grief garden. Reminding us we grieve because we know love.
Sending you so much love as you continue to hold all the complexities of your grief with Freda. 💗
Thank you - I am stroking my own hand. Sometimes I forget I am the one who can make it less shaky.
Thank you for the lovely soothing words, your presence and friendship💗
This was really beautiful. Thanks for sharing! The “whole hand” visual for marking time will stay with me. 💗
Thanks Kristin. I appreciate you sliding in to let me know.
I'm not a crier. Yet everytime I read your work, I am so moved that the tears come. Wow!! I wish you could have held John's hand more or longer. But you got a big gift, which was to tell him, one last time, that you loved him. He passed surrounded by everyone that loved him and knowing he was loved by you and so many other. That is a blessing not many people get.
Watching our parents age is tough. It really let's you see how fast time passes. Janet is a strong lady, and loved by so many. Keep holding her up. Another gift many people don't get.
I love you
Thanks Sha. I love you too.
And sorry (not sorry) for making you cry. You know it’s my favorite way to pass the time. Tears are holy my sista!
And yes, grateful to have had the blessed goodbye. Many do not get that. You did not get that with your dad. Arthur knew how much you loved him and he still knows. Xoxoxo 😘
Beautiful piece. I have a 5 yo. ( and an almost 9 ). We are celebrating my moms 80th this year and I am close to 3 fingers sober. Totally feel times passing and how it brings us back and forward all at once. Being in nature is what can consistently be a time slowing remedy for me - love the birthday question - left me wondering. Glad you too the sharing leap.
Yes to the back and forward all at once. I feel the yank back and the tug towards tomorrow often. Thanks for sharing here.
Congrats on the 3 years. Sober eyes can take in so much more. We’re lucky that way - even when the view is hard; it’s always clear.
A walk in nature is my cure when I feel things spinning too fast. I feel you there.
Thanks for being here.
The photos were the Cherry on the Top. Love it Allison.
Thanks Sean 🙏🏼