Allison this piece is powerful. How sitting in the uncomfortable can teach us so much about our responsibility in taking action when we want change. You have such a powerful mindset and determination which is inspiring. I also love the way you explain how changing the language of situations changes the mindset. This is so valuable and one I will definitely be thinking about after reading. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
I have learned that simply shifting the words we use can change the whole dynamic of an exchange (whether it’s one with yourself or another person). Words are powerful, there’s no denying it.
The sitting in the uncomfortable is a practice I’m not always good at. But one I always know the benefit of.
Amazing timing as always, Allison! I had 3 medical procedures almost 2 weeks ago that have 'forced' me to slow down, change my routine and TRY to chill. I am going out of my head!! Part of this is the sitting still vs. tangible accomplishments, not moving my body and getting achy b/c of this, and being out of my routine, much of which helps me to find my center and grounding. And then there's the future . . . a big adventure I have planned for early October that I want to be in top shape, strong and lean, believing this is the way to best/most enjoy myself and get the most out of it. To answer your question, what if I trusted the Universe to provide exactly what I need. What if I trusted my body to be just where it should be when I embark on my adventure. What if I stay mindful and present, right here, right now and be truly open to this current experience and what I am able to learn from it. What if I just let go of the pressure and just lived . . .
Oh Jane, I wish you the recovery that you need. I was going to write, "speedy" recovery but that goes against the vibe we are chasing, right!? (wink-wink). It's so hard to stay intentional with accepting what is here at our feet in this moment. That granular acceptance can be quite unnerving. I so get it. I am SUCH a creature of habit and feel so unhinged when I don't have my routine. Sending hugs!
Trusting the universe is a big task sometimes. Do you journal? I wonder if you just let your mind dump all of this out on paper (pen to paper) and moved it along that way if you'd feel some relief/mental release.
lol, I copied and printed this to write in my journal 📝 Thank you for your loving thoughts and for the opportunity to put my tangled heart and mind on paper 🥰
Fellow future tripper, over-reactor, ruminator and 3 am wake up club member here. 👋🏻
Reframes are so powerful. I like your reframe on triggers. Yes. What’s our part and what can we do to stay calm and just be with the discomfort? My best prevention for my blowups so far, is trying to keep up on my sleep (so hard!) and my self care (I feel I have more control over this).
I especially like the “do nothing. Just stand there.” So hard, especially when we are activated. I’ve been employing a lot of gentle self talk, especially on those middle of the night wake up feeling anxious & compelled to “fix my life” (and others’ ha). “Rosemary,you don’t have to solve this now. This isn’t even a problem now or yet. Now it’s time to sleep. You’re safe right now. You’re ok in this moment” I speak to myself as I would a scared little girl. Cuz that’s who I’m talking to, right? Then I see how many words I can make out of “Shakespeare.” My version of counting sheep, lol
I see you working hard, Allison, yet with such gentleness and grace-for yourself and for others.
Oh. That bear! Thank you for sharing. Not only is he adorable but so is your son! This small act of kindness and love restores some of my faith in the future and in humanity.
Re: hard conversations with your hubby. Huge kudos to you. Hard conversations, especially with our partners, take huge courage. You’ve referenced your concerns in other posts and your AMA with Laura. You’ve been in my thoughts around this. My marriage didn’t survive my sobriety and I’m still processing all the whys. As mine didn’t make it, I may not be the person you want to talk with, but know that I’m here if you ever need an ear or a soft place to land.
Thank you Rosemary, for all of this. The witnessing, understanding and caring.
I always hear people say how the sleeping gets so much better once you stop drinking. And I’m over here like, “whatcha y’all talking about?” Insomnia is stalking me and I still have frequent wake ups most nights. They’re not full of regrets and piecing back together a blurry night though!
Reframing is not something I really knew was a tool until I started hanging out in TLC. It has helped me over and over.
We’re all working hard but it’s the best kind of hard, right?
Those hard convos. So important. That answer from Laura in the AMA was like 🤯 I’ve returned to it a bunch of times. Thanks for letting me know you get it and that you are here to lend an ear. 🫶
The shift in language around many things has been huge for me ....i.e. as you said trigger vs. how do I respond, not respond, etc.... HUGE. It avoids giving away our power to someone or something else, which I think is what I did for so long. This same lesson keeps coming up for me over and over in this growth journey .... as you say it .... what is my part? The other person did xyz .... but what was my part?
Did I teach people how to treat me but allowing unacceptable behavior? 99 percent of the time the answer is yes for me .... but what of course compounds it is then I become/became resentlful because they didn't change when I was ready to stand up for myself!
Thank you for posting this, the timing is perfect. I have a very interesting relationship right now with a family member that has been challenging. I"ve been really focusing on my actions vs. the other person's. Focusing on the other person, just keeps me stuck .... I can't do anything about them ... only control my part. I just realized yesterday when I was a bit upset about someone elses behavior how powerless I felt when I was so focused on their behavior. Not only was I feeling powerfless, I was feeling all of the negative feelings ... hurt, betrayed, taken for granted, etc... The simple shift to honestly looking at my part with curiosity, kindness and compassion, suddenly felt freeing and empowering. Thank you for this beautiful piece, as always, very thought provoking and relevant. I too am trying to break away from this rumination phase ... it takes so much energy .... yet, I also feel it's part of my process some times .... but, how often I've spent hours .....even days .... ruminating about an interaction while the other person has not given it a second thought ! So yes, what does this reflect about me? Or as I heard in a meeting .... what part of ME might need healing when I feel "triggered" emotionally? Great stuff, friend! So happy to share this journey with you!
Thanks for doing this work with me, Judy! These are some powerful and beautiful reflections.
Yes - I find so much energy is sucked out of me when I spend too much time revisiting past interactions. Replaying the script, wishing I did or didn’t say this or that. It can be mentally exhausting. And hard to get myself away from. Gentle reminders to walk off ruminate street and stay with what is here now.
Like you mention, I often felt like my power was being muscled away from me. In doing all this work, I can recognize that I actually had more power than I realized. I just wasn’t flexing it. I was too focused on carrying towers of resentment in my mind which utterly exhausted me. Bitterness can linger. I don’t want it anymore.
Very much align with you here, Allison. Often, I use words like "activated" to describe my internal state when something carries a charge for me. My practice (some days go better than others!) is to refrain from speaking or acting from a "reactive" place, instead pausing long enough to respond skillfully - which may mean not saying, doing, or writing anything.
Thanks Dana - you articulate that so well. Activate feels truer (to me) than trigger. In my mind, trigger leads to a reaction. Pull the trigger.
I would much rather not. I would much rather acknowledge the charge (love that - because it does set off an electric charge inside) and pause, let the charge settle then determine the best response.
Wow....Allison. This touches so many tender spots. The tender spots that I am looking at in second year sobriety. Thank you for putting words to emotional sobriety for me. It is a gift.
Thanks for sharing the dad/bear experience, that is mighty thoughtful!
There's perhaps a challenge to 'unlearn' how we put labels on things - it comes with time.
Using the word 'trigger' might simply be something to accept in certain circumstances - as we may not have, nor ever achieve, the capacity to name it more reflectively with more accurate and personal labels. And that's ok.
I like that Ed. Thanks for placing that here. The unlearning is somewhat new territory to me. It feels challenging. And liberating. I recognize the time it takes to unhook ourselves and, as you point out, having a precise word to name our experience may not always be necessary.
Yes, yes, yes!!! This quote helps me change my focus when I feel 'triggered' . . . " The only thing we have control over in this life is where we put our attention". We can only manage our won response, not any one else. XO
I really appreciate this piece. I’ve noticed myself several times this week choosing to walk away instead of engaging with things I found “triggering.” But it’s a hard balance…
Totally a hard balance. For sure. I never really feel like I have my footing when I walk away. It’s usually after I stepped away that I feel empowered. In hindsight I’m able to see what I avoided in bowing out.
What a thoughtful, reflective, honest and vulnerable essay--as always, my friend. And I just adore that your son bought you that personalized teddy bear with your father's loving words. What an incredibly sensitive young man. I am sure you are so proud. You did that, Allison, that's some good parenting there. I could relate to this essay and your reframing is spot on. Good for you! I have also been letting myself sit in discomfort, not be reactive, and I agree trigger can be a triggering word itself. It can tend to put one in a victim mindset and shut down dialogue with the other person rather than open a pathway for it. As for your questions, (I love the phrases "ruminate streets" and "neighborhood of re-runs--you are SO good at finding original and resonant ways of expression), yes, I think about this stuff all the time. Including my shadows. And I dance with my shadows (as I've written about on my Substack). There is gold there (including what is known as the Golden Shadows, those qualities we need to bring out of ourselves that we keep hidden) . Have a wonderful week!
Thank you Amy. Your ability to show your readers how you invite in your shadow has really helped transform things for me. Truly. So grateful to read, write and grow in your company. 💗
I just LOVE the Golden Shadows concept. It’s space I am exploring, for sure.
And yeah, I’ll take a little bit of credit for raising a thoughtful young man but there is more there. Nathan is uniquely wired. He came out of the womb with a gentle compassion that just keeps maturing. It’s awesome.
Here’s to no longer parking our car on ruminate street!
Thought you'd appreciate this quote: “Embracing our shadow is the ultimate act of self-love. There is no greater love than the one that allows us to shine a light on the aspects of
ourselves that we have judged and made wrong. Embracing our dark side gives us a new found freedom to be with the darkness in others. For when I can love all of me, I will love all of you." --Debbie Ford
Beautiful. And so helpful. Thank you for sharing, Amy. 🙏🏼💕
This is a good nudge for me to return to The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. I put it down about halfway though and didn’t finish (maybe there’s something to that? 🤔)
Allison this piece is powerful. How sitting in the uncomfortable can teach us so much about our responsibility in taking action when we want change. You have such a powerful mindset and determination which is inspiring. I also love the way you explain how changing the language of situations changes the mindset. This is so valuable and one I will definitely be thinking about after reading. Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for this thoughtful comment. 🙏🏼
I have learned that simply shifting the words we use can change the whole dynamic of an exchange (whether it’s one with yourself or another person). Words are powerful, there’s no denying it.
The sitting in the uncomfortable is a practice I’m not always good at. But one I always know the benefit of.
Thanks for reading and sliding in here 🫶
Amazing timing as always, Allison! I had 3 medical procedures almost 2 weeks ago that have 'forced' me to slow down, change my routine and TRY to chill. I am going out of my head!! Part of this is the sitting still vs. tangible accomplishments, not moving my body and getting achy b/c of this, and being out of my routine, much of which helps me to find my center and grounding. And then there's the future . . . a big adventure I have planned for early October that I want to be in top shape, strong and lean, believing this is the way to best/most enjoy myself and get the most out of it. To answer your question, what if I trusted the Universe to provide exactly what I need. What if I trusted my body to be just where it should be when I embark on my adventure. What if I stay mindful and present, right here, right now and be truly open to this current experience and what I am able to learn from it. What if I just let go of the pressure and just lived . . .
XOXOXO
Oh Jane, I wish you the recovery that you need. I was going to write, "speedy" recovery but that goes against the vibe we are chasing, right!? (wink-wink). It's so hard to stay intentional with accepting what is here at our feet in this moment. That granular acceptance can be quite unnerving. I so get it. I am SUCH a creature of habit and feel so unhinged when I don't have my routine. Sending hugs!
Trusting the universe is a big task sometimes. Do you journal? I wonder if you just let your mind dump all of this out on paper (pen to paper) and moved it along that way if you'd feel some relief/mental release.
lol, I copied and printed this to write in my journal 📝 Thank you for your loving thoughts and for the opportunity to put my tangled heart and mind on paper 🥰
Sometimes writing does just that - untangles everything! xoxo
Fellow future tripper, over-reactor, ruminator and 3 am wake up club member here. 👋🏻
Reframes are so powerful. I like your reframe on triggers. Yes. What’s our part and what can we do to stay calm and just be with the discomfort? My best prevention for my blowups so far, is trying to keep up on my sleep (so hard!) and my self care (I feel I have more control over this).
I especially like the “do nothing. Just stand there.” So hard, especially when we are activated. I’ve been employing a lot of gentle self talk, especially on those middle of the night wake up feeling anxious & compelled to “fix my life” (and others’ ha). “Rosemary,you don’t have to solve this now. This isn’t even a problem now or yet. Now it’s time to sleep. You’re safe right now. You’re ok in this moment” I speak to myself as I would a scared little girl. Cuz that’s who I’m talking to, right? Then I see how many words I can make out of “Shakespeare.” My version of counting sheep, lol
I see you working hard, Allison, yet with such gentleness and grace-for yourself and for others.
Oh. That bear! Thank you for sharing. Not only is he adorable but so is your son! This small act of kindness and love restores some of my faith in the future and in humanity.
Re: hard conversations with your hubby. Huge kudos to you. Hard conversations, especially with our partners, take huge courage. You’ve referenced your concerns in other posts and your AMA with Laura. You’ve been in my thoughts around this. My marriage didn’t survive my sobriety and I’m still processing all the whys. As mine didn’t make it, I may not be the person you want to talk with, but know that I’m here if you ever need an ear or a soft place to land.
Big hugs, to you, Allison.
Thank you Rosemary, for all of this. The witnessing, understanding and caring.
I always hear people say how the sleeping gets so much better once you stop drinking. And I’m over here like, “whatcha y’all talking about?” Insomnia is stalking me and I still have frequent wake ups most nights. They’re not full of regrets and piecing back together a blurry night though!
Reframing is not something I really knew was a tool until I started hanging out in TLC. It has helped me over and over.
We’re all working hard but it’s the best kind of hard, right?
Those hard convos. So important. That answer from Laura in the AMA was like 🤯 I’ve returned to it a bunch of times. Thanks for letting me know you get it and that you are here to lend an ear. 🫶
Appreciate you!
I’ve missed your posts! Haven’t had as much time for reading. This reminds me why I need to make time 🙏🏼
Thanks Caroline 🙏🏼 I so appreciate you.
You have a lot going on. I’m so excited for what you are putting out there. 💕
Watching that video of your father's birthday party, I can hear him calling you "Alley Oop"
I still hear him calling me that - everyday.
Thanks, David ❤️
The shift in language around many things has been huge for me ....i.e. as you said trigger vs. how do I respond, not respond, etc.... HUGE. It avoids giving away our power to someone or something else, which I think is what I did for so long. This same lesson keeps coming up for me over and over in this growth journey .... as you say it .... what is my part? The other person did xyz .... but what was my part?
Did I teach people how to treat me but allowing unacceptable behavior? 99 percent of the time the answer is yes for me .... but what of course compounds it is then I become/became resentlful because they didn't change when I was ready to stand up for myself!
Thank you for posting this, the timing is perfect. I have a very interesting relationship right now with a family member that has been challenging. I"ve been really focusing on my actions vs. the other person's. Focusing on the other person, just keeps me stuck .... I can't do anything about them ... only control my part. I just realized yesterday when I was a bit upset about someone elses behavior how powerless I felt when I was so focused on their behavior. Not only was I feeling powerfless, I was feeling all of the negative feelings ... hurt, betrayed, taken for granted, etc... The simple shift to honestly looking at my part with curiosity, kindness and compassion, suddenly felt freeing and empowering. Thank you for this beautiful piece, as always, very thought provoking and relevant. I too am trying to break away from this rumination phase ... it takes so much energy .... yet, I also feel it's part of my process some times .... but, how often I've spent hours .....even days .... ruminating about an interaction while the other person has not given it a second thought ! So yes, what does this reflect about me? Or as I heard in a meeting .... what part of ME might need healing when I feel "triggered" emotionally? Great stuff, friend! So happy to share this journey with you!
Thanks for doing this work with me, Judy! These are some powerful and beautiful reflections.
Yes - I find so much energy is sucked out of me when I spend too much time revisiting past interactions. Replaying the script, wishing I did or didn’t say this or that. It can be mentally exhausting. And hard to get myself away from. Gentle reminders to walk off ruminate street and stay with what is here now.
Like you mention, I often felt like my power was being muscled away from me. In doing all this work, I can recognize that I actually had more power than I realized. I just wasn’t flexing it. I was too focused on carrying towers of resentment in my mind which utterly exhausted me. Bitterness can linger. I don’t want it anymore.
Thanks for this comment. I so appreciate you 🙏🏼🫶
Oh Allison this hits for sure right now in so many ways. Really great piece. Coming back to this one for sure ♥️
Thanks Amy. I appreciate you! 🫶
We do this work together 💕
Very much align with you here, Allison. Often, I use words like "activated" to describe my internal state when something carries a charge for me. My practice (some days go better than others!) is to refrain from speaking or acting from a "reactive" place, instead pausing long enough to respond skillfully - which may mean not saying, doing, or writing anything.
Thanks Dana - you articulate that so well. Activate feels truer (to me) than trigger. In my mind, trigger leads to a reaction. Pull the trigger.
I would much rather not. I would much rather acknowledge the charge (love that - because it does set off an electric charge inside) and pause, let the charge settle then determine the best response.
I appreciate you weighing in! Thanks Dana 🫶
Wow....Allison. This touches so many tender spots. The tender spots that I am looking at in second year sobriety. Thank you for putting words to emotional sobriety for me. It is a gift.
Thanks, MKaye! The emotional sobriety route is truly the long game, right? I’m grateful to get to walk that route with you. 🙏🏼
Thanks for sharing the dad/bear experience, that is mighty thoughtful!
There's perhaps a challenge to 'unlearn' how we put labels on things - it comes with time.
Using the word 'trigger' might simply be something to accept in certain circumstances - as we may not have, nor ever achieve, the capacity to name it more reflectively with more accurate and personal labels. And that's ok.
I like that Ed. Thanks for placing that here. The unlearning is somewhat new territory to me. It feels challenging. And liberating. I recognize the time it takes to unhook ourselves and, as you point out, having a precise word to name our experience may not always be necessary.
Thanks for reading and for sharing your thoughts!
Yes, yes, yes!!! This quote helps me change my focus when I feel 'triggered' . . . " The only thing we have control over in this life is where we put our attention". We can only manage our won response, not any one else. XO
Yup! I hear that, Jane. We can only control our experience. We are the experts of our own experience. No one else’s.
Thanks for being here and letting me know you are sitting in all this, too! 💕
I really appreciate this piece. I’ve noticed myself several times this week choosing to walk away instead of engaging with things I found “triggering.” But it’s a hard balance…
Totally a hard balance. For sure. I never really feel like I have my footing when I walk away. It’s usually after I stepped away that I feel empowered. In hindsight I’m able to see what I avoided in bowing out.
Thanks for sharing here, Caroline. 🫶
What a thoughtful, reflective, honest and vulnerable essay--as always, my friend. And I just adore that your son bought you that personalized teddy bear with your father's loving words. What an incredibly sensitive young man. I am sure you are so proud. You did that, Allison, that's some good parenting there. I could relate to this essay and your reframing is spot on. Good for you! I have also been letting myself sit in discomfort, not be reactive, and I agree trigger can be a triggering word itself. It can tend to put one in a victim mindset and shut down dialogue with the other person rather than open a pathway for it. As for your questions, (I love the phrases "ruminate streets" and "neighborhood of re-runs--you are SO good at finding original and resonant ways of expression), yes, I think about this stuff all the time. Including my shadows. And I dance with my shadows (as I've written about on my Substack). There is gold there (including what is known as the Golden Shadows, those qualities we need to bring out of ourselves that we keep hidden) . Have a wonderful week!
Amy
Thank you Amy. Your ability to show your readers how you invite in your shadow has really helped transform things for me. Truly. So grateful to read, write and grow in your company. 💗
I just LOVE the Golden Shadows concept. It’s space I am exploring, for sure.
And yeah, I’ll take a little bit of credit for raising a thoughtful young man but there is more there. Nathan is uniquely wired. He came out of the womb with a gentle compassion that just keeps maturing. It’s awesome.
Here’s to no longer parking our car on ruminate street!
Have a great weekend my friend.
Thought you'd appreciate this quote: “Embracing our shadow is the ultimate act of self-love. There is no greater love than the one that allows us to shine a light on the aspects of
ourselves that we have judged and made wrong. Embracing our dark side gives us a new found freedom to be with the darkness in others. For when I can love all of me, I will love all of you." --Debbie Ford
Beautiful. And so helpful. Thank you for sharing, Amy. 🙏🏼💕
This is a good nudge for me to return to The Dark Side of the Light Chasers. I put it down about halfway though and didn’t finish (maybe there’s something to that? 🤔)