Allison, your words poured over me like a soothing salve of salvation. I've just spent an hour processing my feelings around all of this ... phew! Thank you. As I said last week, divine timing is at hand ... alas, it alwasy is, it's my awareness that's different. I want to start by mentioning how much the title of "Don't Go Back to Sleep" from last week just resonated with me. I started my journey into sobriety in the Summer of 2020 when COVID was at it's height and stress brought me to my lowest low. I literally woke in the morning one Saturday after escaping the stress of it all with hidden vodka in my water bottle Friday night (which was a nightly event, but on Friday I might have gone harder knowing I would not have to get up in the morning), and I could literally feel the stress circulating through my blood stream. I was meditating every day and did extra meditating trying to let go of the reverberating feeling I had .... it was so uncomfortable ... I did not want to go back. I signed up for a "reset" program that would start July 1st ... it was mid June, I was 1/2 way through July when I realized I had paid money to start this reset ... and had not started! Anyway, I've done a lot of starts and stops and work. June 2nd of 2023 is my official sobriety date. I have no desire today to go back to drinking. I've often said that sobriety has been like waking up to my own life again. I could literally write and entire dissertation here with all of the awarenesses and aha's you have brought forth in me in this week's writing.
I am powerless over other people = my family, my co-workers, my friends, the world - my life has become "unmanageable" because I have wasted countless hours trying to mentally micromanage it all and actually trying to micromanage it all .... then, being totally disappointed that it hasn't all gone my way!!! I didn't realize stress does feel like home .... but home had mixed messages for me ... it was a place that was supposed to be safe ... it was, until it wasn't. Growing up in an alcoholic home was always stressful ... at best, there was an undertone of stress when everything was going well ... good times were GREAT ... bad times were traumatic ... good times were experienced in fear of what might happen when and if the bottom dropped out of it all. A great day could end in screaming and yelling and my father threatening to leave my mother and me begging him not to leave .... then being told to go back to bed, everything would be okay. I was "safe" but I didn't feel safe or secure. Now, I find myself swimming in the soup of stress ... nope, drowining, barely dogpaddling and searching for a life-preserver. I'm pissed and exhausted, because I've been trying to control everything and everyone because I want to feel safe. I don't want to feel afraid that it's all going to fall apart. But what? Life is short, life is fleeting, this I know. I guess I want it all to be okay .... I want peace. I want peace of mind. I can't have peace of mind if I am out of my mind focused on everything and everyone else to find it!! I am awake to my own life and slowly finding my way back to a new home that I am creating within myself. THANK YOU for this thought-provoking writing and practice!
My answers to the writing prompts after your essay came quick and from the gut ( my intuititon)
1. What are you seeking in the more of one more time ? PEACE
2. What does the word powerlessness sitr up in you? Is it synonomous with control ? Anxiety and yes! I feel out of control when I am stressed and not peaceful!
3. In what areas of your life are you not stepping into your power? Do you see any patterns?
Work and family .... The more I focus on trying to micromanaging them and it, the less peace I have which leads to more stress for me. When I am focused on myself and tuning into my thoughts, attitudes and actions .... I have more peace and thus a better experience of life, despite everything and everyone else!
Holding onto myself is synonomous with letting go of everything else ... my power is inside ... not out ... I am not defined or loved in my relationship to what is out "there". I am defined by an inate and pure love I have yet to fully access ... it is there that the ultimate power of peace lies that I am seeking. It's there, it always has been, I have to keep working on letting go of attachments to everything else. Powerless is a powerful choice, not a passive notion. My experience has been I will keep receiving opportunities to remind myself of this and bring me back. Today, through all of the work, I can see this through the eyes of compassion for myself and a willingness to learn. Thank you for this gorgeous work and opportunity. Love to you and all of us!!
Judy - this right here: “Holding onto myself is synonomous with letting go of everything else.” That’s the beautiful work. I believe that is how we find our inner power. Letting go is how we hold ourself - another crazy frustrating yet beautiful lesson of life’s many paradoxes. I know for me, I learn the lesson, unlearn it, put myself back in “earth school” and then re-learn it. The thing is though, when we TALK about this stuff and share with others, we realize we’re not so uniquely “lost”. We hear our words spoken by others and think, “shit, she gets it too”. We can get so lost in our own heads. I do daily. It’s a constant reminder to pull myself out. Exhausting some days, but always worth it.
Thank you so much for sharing all of this here. I can tell you are ready and that helps me because I was worried no one would want to jump into the muck here with me! 😂
The stress soup tastes good most days. That’s the messed up part about all of this!
But I truly believe, we can serve each other something else. We can offer one another a bite of compassion and understanding. Reminding one other to taste community and know we are not alone at the table. You’ve got company my friend 💕
And if we come together often enough, we won’t go back to sleep.
Beautifully said. I resonate with growing up in an alcoholic home, the stress feels like home and yet for me it feels unsafe. I always want it to go away. Thank you for answering the prompts...I will do the same.
Phew, you leapt right in! Bravo. How do I answer with what's all in my head and my heart? How do I word it perfectly and eloquently? I cannot. I am scientific by nature. I research and review and mull, then feel it all out. So here goes....
Powerless. It has me by the throat in the kindest of ways.
-without ability, influence, or power
-devoid of strength or resources; powerless victims. lacking the authority or capacity to act;was powerless to help.
-unable to produce an effect: a disease against which modern medicine is virtually powerless.
-"I have no choice"
-Trying to stop a storm wave from coming ashore, we cannot.
It was trying to stop the storm wave that got me. Here combined with honesty is where it landed. I am powerless, I cannot change someone else. I have tried to shape shift into what would execute a change and still do....with doing. I have tried to cry my way into change. No luck. I am powerless here. Powerlessness pisses me off... something screams "Don't tell me no!" Is this powerlessness control? Yes, but in the best form, I was trying to protect myself from being present with, " I have no control " and feeling the grief of having no control in a significant relationship. There is relief in this powerlessness and the ability to give up the fight to fix. Its not quite acceptance, it is easier than acceptance and it is not quite surrender. It is what you said...honesty that ushers in some personal integrity.
MKaye - thank you for circling back with your reflections. They help me.
“-Trying to stop a storm wave from coming ashore, we cannot.”
That is exactly what it feels like when I catch myself falling asleep to “this work”. I slip back into old patterns and ways of thinking that don’t serve me (or anyone else!) and because it feels familiar, b/c I did this for years, I don’t see the wave coming! Until it crashes right into me. Thanks for this metaphor. It so succinctly describes what it feels like.
And thank you for pointing out that powerlessness can point us in the right direction. It gets us closer to honesty which is always where freedom waits for us.
I’ll remember your reflections next time I feel my throat tightening and my mind spinning. Maybe it’s just a physical marker and reminder to get back in our bodies. Relax into just letting “this” go. Ease into the wave.
Thank you 🙏🏼 so much to consider and carry with me. 💓
"Powerless. It has my by the throat in the kindest of ways." Thank you for that! It hits and lands hard .... letting it sink in, absorb, marinate to the bones. I sigh a sigh of deeper understanding that further helps me embrace the unembraceable. I had the time to listen to the bonus podcast as well ... again, a deeper "knowing" of what it means to heal. Letting go of power is hard .... even when I think I have I have more to let go of.
Allison, thank you for this invitation to walk this path of exploration!
Allison, I read this thought provoking exploration with an attunement to all you were saying that is in lockstep with my own experience. This especially jumped out at me: ‘It’s in facing the suffering that we heal. It’s in the letting go that we find freedom. It’s in facing our own mini-ego deaths that we truly wake up. We share this with others, by way of service, to keep us in faith.’ As you know I am suffering a deeply painful physical injury at this time which is inevitably connected to my emotions, and only in confronting the two together, this mind-body connection, can I truly heal. What I am powerless over is a lifelong suppression of my true emotions in deference to others and to project a certain image, to the detriment of myself and my authenticity. I admit to this addiction of hiding, swallowing, rationalizing, diminishing my feelings so that others won’t feel bad. And so Allison, Avoidance too has been thumping on the door of my soul a very long time. It began in childhood, this addiction, with the expectation to hide any ‘immature’ emotions as the eldest of three siblings, the good girl, the role model. It planted the seed for subsequent addictions including to alcohol and its numbing effect on what I didn’t want to acknowledge I was really feeling. Four+ years ago I gave up alcohol and that newfound clarity allowed me to acknowledge deeply buried emotions and to make the brave choice to leave my 33-year marriage. But 3 years on from that turning point I see this other addiction persists, not acknowledging & expressing my emotions, and now I believe it has finally shown itself in the form of this low-back injury. The feelings must be felt. If I don’t let this inner child of mine have the full breadth of her feelings and experiences she will continue to suffer under my adult command to grit her teeth, stay calm and carry on. These days I keep a ‘Feel my Feelings’ journal. First thing in the morning I record what emotion I am feeling, give myself 90 seconds at least to feel it in my body (let healing tears come if necessary), then journal with my non-dominant hand on what I think the root cause of that feeling is. It has been a revealing exercise these past two weeks. My inner child is getting full expression of her sadness, fear, anger and helplessness. It’s helping. Thank you so much for launching this journey for us Allison and for the safe space to let our truest selves be present.
Amy - I so appreciate this reflection and all you are willing to share here.
I can relate so very much and find deep resonance in your words.
Not letting our inner child have the floor - the full breadth of her feelings, as you beautifully put it, will lead us to injury. I believe that now. Suppression and repression, in equal measures, have accompanied me for decades. I’m finally now willing to dig up what I was hiding from. I feel like this part of our journeys are very aligned. I deeply appreciate you putting such eloquent words to your experience. It really helps me. It is a service to others when we share our pain. Our struggles.
Just this morning I read these words by Pixie Lighthorse:
“Stand me up and set me free from this tiny room of shadows, where my voice wavers and my shoulders shudder. Help me call them out and name them - beckon them forward so I may face them. Be my strength when I order them down.”
I ordered that scared shy girl down for so long. She’s declaring and demanding to be heard lately.
I love the non-dominant hand journal exercise. I may try that!
As always, thank you for what you bring to this community. 💓
Sending healing energy your way, sweet friend. I hope your back pain begins to heal.
Thank you for this thoughtful, kind and encouraging response. I am having a painful day but I am in the hands of two very good healing therapists (chiropractor and myofascial release therapist) and I know that I will get better, in time.
Hey, thank you for this invitation to come on this journey with you. I sat at the edge of the steps for my first few weeks in AA, adamant that I wasn't an alcoholic, that I would never believe in God and that I sure as hell wasn't going to spend any time with the crazy women in these rooms. Turned out I needed to do all three.
Powerless for me is that the way I lived my life when I came into AA wasn't working and that the way I was living was only ever going to lead to drinking. I needed to put all that down, to surrender to a different way. The Big Book is all about creating a spiritual connection, it's not really about the drinking at all. The drinking is the connection that brought people together, the common solution that all of us had tried in order to live with ourselves and in the world in which we existed. My strength now comes from the faith that I found when I started praying, initially to a God that I certainly didn't believe in. I'm ok with that initial step of powerlessness. It got me on my knees, it served its purpose.
Hi Louise - thank you so much for offering your perspective here.
For me, the reason I am navigating towards a (messy) exploration of the Steps is because I feel I need some Spiritual plugging in at this point of my sobriety. I am living too much in my head, not enough in my heart/body. Which, I fear will shut me off from receiving the true gifts of a free spirit. I don’t feel like drinking - that pull is gone- but I do feel a bit similar in other ways when I knew I needed to quit alcohol. This feels familiar. And I know I need to follow it/pay attention.
Maybe this is me realizing that some of the ways I’m living right now isn’t working.
Maybe I’m needing to give back the control panel to my Higher Power.
I love your perspective of being ok with Powerlessness and how that surrender served it’s purpose. That really helps me loosen my grip. 💗
I love that you've created a space to hold this conversation, exactly why I put a course together. We need a way to discuss this and to see what might come ❤️
Allison, everything in this piece is SO good:) As someone who was in the rooms of AA for 2 years, I never appreciated the word "powerlessness." I also didn't appreciate the strong encouragement to announce myself as an alcoholic. Even when I tried to introduce myself as "sober" in other ways, it never felt right, and I almost always felt judged. With that said, there are women I've met who have become great friends and support me in many ways, so I will always be grateful to AA for bringing them into my life.
Similar to what you mentioned, I reframed my thinking from "being powerless over alcohol" to "having all the power when I don't take a drink." I also recognize that there are other areas in my life I need to continue working on. I worry/stress a lot, and I can't stop thinking about things that already happened or might happen. My husband constantly tells me to turn down my level of "give a f---" (My mom's voice is in my head right now saying, "Crystal, don't say that word!")
I'm looking forward to listening to the podcast with Richard Rohr. Several people I know read "Breathing Under Water" and rave about it.
Hi Crystal! Thanks so much for weighing in here. Your insights will be so helpful since you’ve spent some time in the “rooms” of AA. I can appreciate your perspective- the ick that comes with insisting we slap a label on us. A very big reason why I stayed away (I’ve not once been to a AA meeting). As part of this 12 week challenge, I’m challenging myself to do just that - attend one. I love hearing how in doing so you’ve met some amazing friends. Connection is so critical in sobriety.
I love the reframe you offer “having power when I DON’T take a drink.” I resonate so much with your experience. I am a habitual worried. Someone once said to me, “Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.” Yeah, I know. Yeah, I still do it daily.
Richard Rohr is an absolute gem. I really think you’ll enjoy him - especially in that podcast. I listed other books that I’ll be referencing here in the challenge but truly, Breathing Under Water is the text I’m looking at most during this.
Since I quit drinking with a different community than AA almost 19 months ago, I have slowly started to trust myself. The inner knowing that I drowned with vodka for so long, I am just beginning to understand. Not being particularly religious or a fan of the AA approach my initial reaction to this examination of the 12 steps was meh at best. But that inner voice kept bugging me, so much so that I have re-read the past two posts a number of times. So here I am, torn a bit between my ego and sense of self and my inner knowing that there are things to learn here if I am willing. Still resistant but open to new possibilities.
Of course we start with powerlessness, which makes me want to break out in hives. I am the master of my domain damn it! I am far from powerless! But again that inner voice kept tugging, is it really true? I’m not sure anymore and the more time I have without booze distorting my perception the more my self beliefs seem to crumble. What I am left with is a huge hunger to know myself and others. So thank you Allison for embarking on this journey with us. Looking forward to seeing where it all leads.
Rob - I’m so glad you are here. Firstly, I want to thank you for your honesty. What you describe in your comment aligns so well with exactly why I decided to spearhead this challenge. Please know I am RIGHT there with you, questioning and not knowing.
This:
“So here I am, torn a bit between my ego and sense of self and my inner knowing that there are things to learn here if I am willing. Still resistant but open to new possibilities.”
The holding and acknowledging resistance while also allowing yourself to stay open to “what ifs” and other ways to expand your recovery. That’s what I’m after too. My inner knowing is telling me there’s more for me here in recovery. More to open up to.
Congrats on 19 months! I look forward to your reflections as we go through the steps.
I’ll be honest - my ego has been my biggest hurdle in feeling at peace in sobriety. She’s mighty big and also pitching a fit about this powerless bs. 😅 She is convinced she’s got everything under control. I try to force her to take a nap every day but she’s like an unruly toddler most of the time. And then, other days, she is way more mature. Convincing me to follow her. The shades of my ego. I guess awareness is the key. Some days I’m more aware/more awake than others.
Thank you for being willing to see where this all takes you. 🙏🏼
Allison, your words poured over me like a soothing salve of salvation. I've just spent an hour processing my feelings around all of this ... phew! Thank you. As I said last week, divine timing is at hand ... alas, it alwasy is, it's my awareness that's different. I want to start by mentioning how much the title of "Don't Go Back to Sleep" from last week just resonated with me. I started my journey into sobriety in the Summer of 2020 when COVID was at it's height and stress brought me to my lowest low. I literally woke in the morning one Saturday after escaping the stress of it all with hidden vodka in my water bottle Friday night (which was a nightly event, but on Friday I might have gone harder knowing I would not have to get up in the morning), and I could literally feel the stress circulating through my blood stream. I was meditating every day and did extra meditating trying to let go of the reverberating feeling I had .... it was so uncomfortable ... I did not want to go back. I signed up for a "reset" program that would start July 1st ... it was mid June, I was 1/2 way through July when I realized I had paid money to start this reset ... and had not started! Anyway, I've done a lot of starts and stops and work. June 2nd of 2023 is my official sobriety date. I have no desire today to go back to drinking. I've often said that sobriety has been like waking up to my own life again. I could literally write and entire dissertation here with all of the awarenesses and aha's you have brought forth in me in this week's writing.
I am powerless over other people = my family, my co-workers, my friends, the world - my life has become "unmanageable" because I have wasted countless hours trying to mentally micromanage it all and actually trying to micromanage it all .... then, being totally disappointed that it hasn't all gone my way!!! I didn't realize stress does feel like home .... but home had mixed messages for me ... it was a place that was supposed to be safe ... it was, until it wasn't. Growing up in an alcoholic home was always stressful ... at best, there was an undertone of stress when everything was going well ... good times were GREAT ... bad times were traumatic ... good times were experienced in fear of what might happen when and if the bottom dropped out of it all. A great day could end in screaming and yelling and my father threatening to leave my mother and me begging him not to leave .... then being told to go back to bed, everything would be okay. I was "safe" but I didn't feel safe or secure. Now, I find myself swimming in the soup of stress ... nope, drowining, barely dogpaddling and searching for a life-preserver. I'm pissed and exhausted, because I've been trying to control everything and everyone because I want to feel safe. I don't want to feel afraid that it's all going to fall apart. But what? Life is short, life is fleeting, this I know. I guess I want it all to be okay .... I want peace. I want peace of mind. I can't have peace of mind if I am out of my mind focused on everything and everyone else to find it!! I am awake to my own life and slowly finding my way back to a new home that I am creating within myself. THANK YOU for this thought-provoking writing and practice!
My answers to the writing prompts after your essay came quick and from the gut ( my intuititon)
1. What are you seeking in the more of one more time ? PEACE
2. What does the word powerlessness sitr up in you? Is it synonomous with control ? Anxiety and yes! I feel out of control when I am stressed and not peaceful!
3. In what areas of your life are you not stepping into your power? Do you see any patterns?
Work and family .... The more I focus on trying to micromanaging them and it, the less peace I have which leads to more stress for me. When I am focused on myself and tuning into my thoughts, attitudes and actions .... I have more peace and thus a better experience of life, despite everything and everyone else!
Holding onto myself is synonomous with letting go of everything else ... my power is inside ... not out ... I am not defined or loved in my relationship to what is out "there". I am defined by an inate and pure love I have yet to fully access ... it is there that the ultimate power of peace lies that I am seeking. It's there, it always has been, I have to keep working on letting go of attachments to everything else. Powerless is a powerful choice, not a passive notion. My experience has been I will keep receiving opportunities to remind myself of this and bring me back. Today, through all of the work, I can see this through the eyes of compassion for myself and a willingness to learn. Thank you for this gorgeous work and opportunity. Love to you and all of us!!
Judy - this right here: “Holding onto myself is synonomous with letting go of everything else.” That’s the beautiful work. I believe that is how we find our inner power. Letting go is how we hold ourself - another crazy frustrating yet beautiful lesson of life’s many paradoxes. I know for me, I learn the lesson, unlearn it, put myself back in “earth school” and then re-learn it. The thing is though, when we TALK about this stuff and share with others, we realize we’re not so uniquely “lost”. We hear our words spoken by others and think, “shit, she gets it too”. We can get so lost in our own heads. I do daily. It’s a constant reminder to pull myself out. Exhausting some days, but always worth it.
Thank you so much for sharing all of this here. I can tell you are ready and that helps me because I was worried no one would want to jump into the muck here with me! 😂
The stress soup tastes good most days. That’s the messed up part about all of this!
But I truly believe, we can serve each other something else. We can offer one another a bite of compassion and understanding. Reminding one other to taste community and know we are not alone at the table. You’ve got company my friend 💕
And if we come together often enough, we won’t go back to sleep.
Beautifully said. I resonate with growing up in an alcoholic home, the stress feels like home and yet for me it feels unsafe. I always want it to go away. Thank you for answering the prompts...I will do the same.
Allison
Phew, you leapt right in! Bravo. How do I answer with what's all in my head and my heart? How do I word it perfectly and eloquently? I cannot. I am scientific by nature. I research and review and mull, then feel it all out. So here goes....
Powerless. It has me by the throat in the kindest of ways.
-without ability, influence, or power
-devoid of strength or resources; powerless victims. lacking the authority or capacity to act;was powerless to help.
-unable to produce an effect: a disease against which modern medicine is virtually powerless.
-"I have no choice"
-Trying to stop a storm wave from coming ashore, we cannot.
It was trying to stop the storm wave that got me. Here combined with honesty is where it landed. I am powerless, I cannot change someone else. I have tried to shape shift into what would execute a change and still do....with doing. I have tried to cry my way into change. No luck. I am powerless here. Powerlessness pisses me off... something screams "Don't tell me no!" Is this powerlessness control? Yes, but in the best form, I was trying to protect myself from being present with, " I have no control " and feeling the grief of having no control in a significant relationship. There is relief in this powerlessness and the ability to give up the fight to fix. Its not quite acceptance, it is easier than acceptance and it is not quite surrender. It is what you said...honesty that ushers in some personal integrity.
thanks for the journey
MK
MKaye - thank you for circling back with your reflections. They help me.
“-Trying to stop a storm wave from coming ashore, we cannot.”
That is exactly what it feels like when I catch myself falling asleep to “this work”. I slip back into old patterns and ways of thinking that don’t serve me (or anyone else!) and because it feels familiar, b/c I did this for years, I don’t see the wave coming! Until it crashes right into me. Thanks for this metaphor. It so succinctly describes what it feels like.
And thank you for pointing out that powerlessness can point us in the right direction. It gets us closer to honesty which is always where freedom waits for us.
I’ll remember your reflections next time I feel my throat tightening and my mind spinning. Maybe it’s just a physical marker and reminder to get back in our bodies. Relax into just letting “this” go. Ease into the wave.
Thank you 🙏🏼 so much to consider and carry with me. 💓
"Powerless. It has my by the throat in the kindest of ways." Thank you for that! It hits and lands hard .... letting it sink in, absorb, marinate to the bones. I sigh a sigh of deeper understanding that further helps me embrace the unembraceable. I had the time to listen to the bonus podcast as well ... again, a deeper "knowing" of what it means to heal. Letting go of power is hard .... even when I think I have I have more to let go of.
Allison, thank you for this invitation to walk this path of exploration!
I’m so glad you’re walking along with me, with us, Judy. ♥️
Allison, I read this thought provoking exploration with an attunement to all you were saying that is in lockstep with my own experience. This especially jumped out at me: ‘It’s in facing the suffering that we heal. It’s in the letting go that we find freedom. It’s in facing our own mini-ego deaths that we truly wake up. We share this with others, by way of service, to keep us in faith.’ As you know I am suffering a deeply painful physical injury at this time which is inevitably connected to my emotions, and only in confronting the two together, this mind-body connection, can I truly heal. What I am powerless over is a lifelong suppression of my true emotions in deference to others and to project a certain image, to the detriment of myself and my authenticity. I admit to this addiction of hiding, swallowing, rationalizing, diminishing my feelings so that others won’t feel bad. And so Allison, Avoidance too has been thumping on the door of my soul a very long time. It began in childhood, this addiction, with the expectation to hide any ‘immature’ emotions as the eldest of three siblings, the good girl, the role model. It planted the seed for subsequent addictions including to alcohol and its numbing effect on what I didn’t want to acknowledge I was really feeling. Four+ years ago I gave up alcohol and that newfound clarity allowed me to acknowledge deeply buried emotions and to make the brave choice to leave my 33-year marriage. But 3 years on from that turning point I see this other addiction persists, not acknowledging & expressing my emotions, and now I believe it has finally shown itself in the form of this low-back injury. The feelings must be felt. If I don’t let this inner child of mine have the full breadth of her feelings and experiences she will continue to suffer under my adult command to grit her teeth, stay calm and carry on. These days I keep a ‘Feel my Feelings’ journal. First thing in the morning I record what emotion I am feeling, give myself 90 seconds at least to feel it in my body (let healing tears come if necessary), then journal with my non-dominant hand on what I think the root cause of that feeling is. It has been a revealing exercise these past two weeks. My inner child is getting full expression of her sadness, fear, anger and helplessness. It’s helping. Thank you so much for launching this journey for us Allison and for the safe space to let our truest selves be present.
Amy - I so appreciate this reflection and all you are willing to share here.
I can relate so very much and find deep resonance in your words.
Not letting our inner child have the floor - the full breadth of her feelings, as you beautifully put it, will lead us to injury. I believe that now. Suppression and repression, in equal measures, have accompanied me for decades. I’m finally now willing to dig up what I was hiding from. I feel like this part of our journeys are very aligned. I deeply appreciate you putting such eloquent words to your experience. It really helps me. It is a service to others when we share our pain. Our struggles.
Just this morning I read these words by Pixie Lighthorse:
“Stand me up and set me free from this tiny room of shadows, where my voice wavers and my shoulders shudder. Help me call them out and name them - beckon them forward so I may face them. Be my strength when I order them down.”
I ordered that scared shy girl down for so long. She’s declaring and demanding to be heard lately.
I love the non-dominant hand journal exercise. I may try that!
As always, thank you for what you bring to this community. 💓
Sending healing energy your way, sweet friend. I hope your back pain begins to heal.
Thank you for this thoughtful, kind and encouraging response. I am having a painful day but I am in the hands of two very good healing therapists (chiropractor and myofascial release therapist) and I know that I will get better, in time.
Hey, thank you for this invitation to come on this journey with you. I sat at the edge of the steps for my first few weeks in AA, adamant that I wasn't an alcoholic, that I would never believe in God and that I sure as hell wasn't going to spend any time with the crazy women in these rooms. Turned out I needed to do all three.
Powerless for me is that the way I lived my life when I came into AA wasn't working and that the way I was living was only ever going to lead to drinking. I needed to put all that down, to surrender to a different way. The Big Book is all about creating a spiritual connection, it's not really about the drinking at all. The drinking is the connection that brought people together, the common solution that all of us had tried in order to live with ourselves and in the world in which we existed. My strength now comes from the faith that I found when I started praying, initially to a God that I certainly didn't believe in. I'm ok with that initial step of powerlessness. It got me on my knees, it served its purpose.
Hi Louise - thank you so much for offering your perspective here.
For me, the reason I am navigating towards a (messy) exploration of the Steps is because I feel I need some Spiritual plugging in at this point of my sobriety. I am living too much in my head, not enough in my heart/body. Which, I fear will shut me off from receiving the true gifts of a free spirit. I don’t feel like drinking - that pull is gone- but I do feel a bit similar in other ways when I knew I needed to quit alcohol. This feels familiar. And I know I need to follow it/pay attention.
Maybe this is me realizing that some of the ways I’m living right now isn’t working.
Maybe I’m needing to give back the control panel to my Higher Power.
I love your perspective of being ok with Powerlessness and how that surrender served it’s purpose. That really helps me loosen my grip. 💗
Thank you for being here.
I love that you've created a space to hold this conversation, exactly why I put a course together. We need a way to discuss this and to see what might come ❤️
“To see what might come”. Yes, the pivotal part of surrender. Unknowing can guide if/when we get out of the way, I suppose.
I love that you put a whole course together about this 💕
Allison, everything in this piece is SO good:) As someone who was in the rooms of AA for 2 years, I never appreciated the word "powerlessness." I also didn't appreciate the strong encouragement to announce myself as an alcoholic. Even when I tried to introduce myself as "sober" in other ways, it never felt right, and I almost always felt judged. With that said, there are women I've met who have become great friends and support me in many ways, so I will always be grateful to AA for bringing them into my life.
Similar to what you mentioned, I reframed my thinking from "being powerless over alcohol" to "having all the power when I don't take a drink." I also recognize that there are other areas in my life I need to continue working on. I worry/stress a lot, and I can't stop thinking about things that already happened or might happen. My husband constantly tells me to turn down my level of "give a f---" (My mom's voice is in my head right now saying, "Crystal, don't say that word!")
I'm looking forward to listening to the podcast with Richard Rohr. Several people I know read "Breathing Under Water" and rave about it.
Thank you, and have a great week!
Hi Crystal! Thanks so much for weighing in here. Your insights will be so helpful since you’ve spent some time in the “rooms” of AA. I can appreciate your perspective- the ick that comes with insisting we slap a label on us. A very big reason why I stayed away (I’ve not once been to a AA meeting). As part of this 12 week challenge, I’m challenging myself to do just that - attend one. I love hearing how in doing so you’ve met some amazing friends. Connection is so critical in sobriety.
I love the reframe you offer “having power when I DON’T take a drink.” I resonate so much with your experience. I am a habitual worried. Someone once said to me, “Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere.” Yeah, I know. Yeah, I still do it daily.
Richard Rohr is an absolute gem. I really think you’ll enjoy him - especially in that podcast. I listed other books that I’ll be referencing here in the challenge but truly, Breathing Under Water is the text I’m looking at most during this.
So happy you’re here 🫶
Since I quit drinking with a different community than AA almost 19 months ago, I have slowly started to trust myself. The inner knowing that I drowned with vodka for so long, I am just beginning to understand. Not being particularly religious or a fan of the AA approach my initial reaction to this examination of the 12 steps was meh at best. But that inner voice kept bugging me, so much so that I have re-read the past two posts a number of times. So here I am, torn a bit between my ego and sense of self and my inner knowing that there are things to learn here if I am willing. Still resistant but open to new possibilities.
Of course we start with powerlessness, which makes me want to break out in hives. I am the master of my domain damn it! I am far from powerless! But again that inner voice kept tugging, is it really true? I’m not sure anymore and the more time I have without booze distorting my perception the more my self beliefs seem to crumble. What I am left with is a huge hunger to know myself and others. So thank you Allison for embarking on this journey with us. Looking forward to seeing where it all leads.
Rob - I’m so glad you are here. Firstly, I want to thank you for your honesty. What you describe in your comment aligns so well with exactly why I decided to spearhead this challenge. Please know I am RIGHT there with you, questioning and not knowing.
This:
“So here I am, torn a bit between my ego and sense of self and my inner knowing that there are things to learn here if I am willing. Still resistant but open to new possibilities.”
The holding and acknowledging resistance while also allowing yourself to stay open to “what ifs” and other ways to expand your recovery. That’s what I’m after too. My inner knowing is telling me there’s more for me here in recovery. More to open up to.
Congrats on 19 months! I look forward to your reflections as we go through the steps.
I’ll be honest - my ego has been my biggest hurdle in feeling at peace in sobriety. She’s mighty big and also pitching a fit about this powerless bs. 😅 She is convinced she’s got everything under control. I try to force her to take a nap every day but she’s like an unruly toddler most of the time. And then, other days, she is way more mature. Convincing me to follow her. The shades of my ego. I guess awareness is the key. Some days I’m more aware/more awake than others.
Thank you for being willing to see where this all takes you. 🙏🏼