Such a beautiful letter to your son and beautiful moment with your daughter, Allison. The way your sobriety and internal explorations and practice find expression in your parenting touches my heart more than I can say. I want ALL kids to have this from their parents and other caretakers. ❤️
I cry in nature. It helps me process and brings out the truth. It took me 10 years to be 99% sober. What a gift! That’s when all the juicy stuff bubbled up in clarity. Thanks for sharing these beautiful words to your children.
I welled up at the letter to your son and dropped tears at "don’t pretend to be someone you are not". This is such healing writing. Thank you for sharing something so precious. I pick up every breadcrumb DTBD drops. Excited to see what upcoming shifts reveal.
This is such a wonderful read! Tears welled up as I read your letter to your son. That "letting go" and letting him spread his wings is such a big contrast to my parents' way (to a large extent, my cultures way) of raising kids and making sure the kids know they owe them for life. Your children are immensely fortunate to have to hold the space for them to feel, to grow and to be fully themselves.
I am a "leaker" and have written a few essays on crying. In fact, I participated in a recent collaboration on the theme of crying. If you're interested, please check out @victoria @carermentor (I'm not sure if the tagging works here but I'll come back with a link when I'm at the computer).
Thank you Lilly - and I appreciate you sharing your experience here. I am raising my kids in a town that is very academically competitive. A school system in which it is cool to be smart. It was a big consideration in why we chose to raise our kids in this town. And I’m learning as they age that with that comes a layer of pressure they receive even separate and apart from any we place on them here at home.
I appreciate you sharing your felt experience with the parental obligation placed on you.
And Amy also recommended Victoria and I found her publication this morning. I’ll def check out your collaboration on crying. Leakers unite! 😅🫶
You’re welcome, Allison. Your description of the very competitive academic environment sounds familiar to me, as I grew up in a city that’s on steroid in this regard. So I appreciate how much you had to fight against this water in which your kids swim… and to let them do their own thing. It takes a lot of conscious parenting choices and wisdom, and your kids will thank you for that, I’m sure.
I’m glad you’ll be heading over to Victoria’s anthology. You may find some articles that you resonate with. Leakers unite!
Allison, this was so beautiful. That goodbye letter was a powerful exercise, wasn't it? And it seemed perfectly timed to write what you wanted to say to your boy. I hope you will give him the letter, the full letter. What a gift to understand that our parents make mistakes, that they take responsibility for those mistakes, that they are committed to do better when they know better. I would have gained so much from admissions like that from my parents. When we allow our children to remove us from the pedestals they may have us on, so much more connection can take place, I have found. Vulnerability and honesty makes space for the same from others. Which you do so eloquently here. As for the tears, I also hide them, when I can manage to let them out. Even in the deep grief of my mother dying, only alone in my car (oh, how I get the car as our confessional and refuge!) listening to a piece of music that I knew would squeeze my heart could I let the tears out. Your response to your daughter's tears was perfect. No trying to fix. Just being in that space with her, letting her know you felt the same way. That is amazing parenting, something I didn't know when my daughters were 11. I typically tried to fix, to make the tears go away, so their tender young hearts wouldn't hurt. Sometimes tender hearts need to hurt--no matter how old we are. And on the subject of tears, have you seen the series on crying from Victoria who writes Carer Mentor has done in her "Caring about Crying Anthology?" I think you'd find resonance there. I'm also curious about your ideas on how you'll grow this wonderful space. I am also about to do some readjusting, a pivot "light" to my Substack. Growing and evolving and changing--that's what it's all about isn't it?
I always love your song recs, Amy! I’ll take a listen today. And I had no idea about Victoria & the Carer Mentor. Off to find her (sounds like my cup of vulnerable tea!)
Thanks for sharing your experience here with us. I keep learning that the less I attempt to fix things for my kids the more I feel them connecting with me. And that has happened in tandem with me loosening my grip on trying to right size MY feelings about everything. It’s a sweet surrender that feels timely.
Thank you, Amy. I always find resonance and a jolt of connection with your words/comments. 🫶
Oh gosh, I just blubbered. Early in life, I was taught by my father that only certain feelings and expressions of emotion were allowed ... happy or mad, I think ... goodness, crying was not welcome. My dear mother was always just trying to keep the peace ... as we know now ... just as consuing and destructive! Little did I know, that was a more a reflection of my father's inability to process his own pain, and his discomfort with seeing me cry and thinking he had to fix it, rather than allowing me to feel a very normal response to .... whatever it was. They were doing the best they could with what they were shown and taught. What a tremendous gift you are giving your children. Thank you ... you are raising up some beautiful humans. I love how once your daughter said why she was sad, you validated and hugged her for a minute, the feeling moved through her, and she carried on with her night. I just kept thinking, how many times we hold something sad or heavy in, don't let the tears flow, we proclaim we are "fine" and it ends up stuck somewhere in our bodies and comes out sideways!! What you are modeling for your children is so profoundly kind and helping to make the world a better place! Thank you. The letter ... what a beautiful, meaningful and thoughtful gesture.
Tears, grief, anger - it’s often so hard for others to hold or witness. Often it’s not welcome because it’s threatening. I’m working really hard to shift that in my family. In myself. I know you get it, Judy. So glad I have you to talk about this stuff with 💕
The letter to your son got to me. It’s so beautiful. And being there for your daughter so she can allow her feeling to move through her was also beautiful. ❤️
Oh girl. Me too. Of all the lessons I’ve gleaned in sobriety I think the biggest one might be the welcoming of all my feelings. I recall telling a friend who was considering sobriety about all the tears that fall (still) and she said, “Allison, you’re not selling this very well.” 🤣.
That letter 🥹🥹 so many of my parts felt seen. Even though he’s day away from 5, I can already seen the ways he is—so sure of himself—that are amazing to me and can be triggering to parts of me still learning how to be that too.
It’s very moving to hear how you created that space for her and for you ❤️❤️
So honored my piece evoked that for you.
I’m obsessed with this song “phenomenon” by ODIE. It’s breath, hope and space. Can’t recommend it enough.
And yes to all the ways our kids can be confronting - to all the parts we are still working on. It’s a strange kind of synchronous parenting in a way, isn’t it?
I cried this afternoon, saying goodbye to my aunt, who is very definitely dying. I cried with her, and for her, and for me, and hopefully made a way for those who still need to cry in that space.
And I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m thinking about my late aunt today as my family gets ready to attend my cousin’s wedding tomorrow. While it’s a celebration there will still be a little heaviness knowing the groom’s mom isn’t there physically to hug him on his big day.
I bet your tears comforted your aunt today. And gave permission to others to let theirs fall, too. I always say when we grieve big it’s because we love big.
That was such a gift to your aunt. And that song, "Banks," oh, how it moves me. I think of it in terms of a romantic relationship but yes how right it is as a song from parents to children, or a friend to a friend. We all need to be "banks" for each other's rivers.
Such a beautiful letter to your son and beautiful moment with your daughter, Allison. The way your sobriety and internal explorations and practice find expression in your parenting touches my heart more than I can say. I want ALL kids to have this from their parents and other caretakers. ❤️
This means a lot - thank you Dana 🙏🏼
The exploration feels necessary.
I cry in nature. It helps me process and brings out the truth. It took me 10 years to be 99% sober. What a gift! That’s when all the juicy stuff bubbled up in clarity. Thanks for sharing these beautiful words to your children.
I can’t believe how much I cry in sobriety. The tears heal though, I swear. And I’m the same. Nature is my church. Holy tears drop there!
Thanks for sharing, Carolina.
I welled up at the letter to your son and dropped tears at "don’t pretend to be someone you are not". This is such healing writing. Thank you for sharing something so precious. I pick up every breadcrumb DTBD drops. Excited to see what upcoming shifts reveal.
Thank you, Rachel. This comment made me well up. When we write this way, the breadcrumbs feed so many. I appreciate you.
This is such a wonderful read! Tears welled up as I read your letter to your son. That "letting go" and letting him spread his wings is such a big contrast to my parents' way (to a large extent, my cultures way) of raising kids and making sure the kids know they owe them for life. Your children are immensely fortunate to have to hold the space for them to feel, to grow and to be fully themselves.
I am a "leaker" and have written a few essays on crying. In fact, I participated in a recent collaboration on the theme of crying. If you're interested, please check out @victoria @carermentor (I'm not sure if the tagging works here but I'll come back with a link when I'm at the computer).
Thank you Lilly - and I appreciate you sharing your experience here. I am raising my kids in a town that is very academically competitive. A school system in which it is cool to be smart. It was a big consideration in why we chose to raise our kids in this town. And I’m learning as they age that with that comes a layer of pressure they receive even separate and apart from any we place on them here at home.
I appreciate you sharing your felt experience with the parental obligation placed on you.
And Amy also recommended Victoria and I found her publication this morning. I’ll def check out your collaboration on crying. Leakers unite! 😅🫶
You’re welcome, Allison. Your description of the very competitive academic environment sounds familiar to me, as I grew up in a city that’s on steroid in this regard. So I appreciate how much you had to fight against this water in which your kids swim… and to let them do their own thing. It takes a lot of conscious parenting choices and wisdom, and your kids will thank you for that, I’m sure.
I’m glad you’ll be heading over to Victoria’s anthology. You may find some articles that you resonate with. Leakers unite!
Allison, this was so beautiful. That goodbye letter was a powerful exercise, wasn't it? And it seemed perfectly timed to write what you wanted to say to your boy. I hope you will give him the letter, the full letter. What a gift to understand that our parents make mistakes, that they take responsibility for those mistakes, that they are committed to do better when they know better. I would have gained so much from admissions like that from my parents. When we allow our children to remove us from the pedestals they may have us on, so much more connection can take place, I have found. Vulnerability and honesty makes space for the same from others. Which you do so eloquently here. As for the tears, I also hide them, when I can manage to let them out. Even in the deep grief of my mother dying, only alone in my car (oh, how I get the car as our confessional and refuge!) listening to a piece of music that I knew would squeeze my heart could I let the tears out. Your response to your daughter's tears was perfect. No trying to fix. Just being in that space with her, letting her know you felt the same way. That is amazing parenting, something I didn't know when my daughters were 11. I typically tried to fix, to make the tears go away, so their tender young hearts wouldn't hurt. Sometimes tender hearts need to hurt--no matter how old we are. And on the subject of tears, have you seen the series on crying from Victoria who writes Carer Mentor has done in her "Caring about Crying Anthology?" I think you'd find resonance there. I'm also curious about your ideas on how you'll grow this wonderful space. I am also about to do some readjusting, a pivot "light" to my Substack. Growing and evolving and changing--that's what it's all about isn't it?
And here is my song for Friday fun. It always puts a bounce in my step, a favorite beach walking song. "Weekend Vibe" by Jubel, https://open.spotify.com/track/5c0lWlmIyCq7hzBhpZasYL
I always love your song recs, Amy! I’ll take a listen today. And I had no idea about Victoria & the Carer Mentor. Off to find her (sounds like my cup of vulnerable tea!)
Thanks for sharing your experience here with us. I keep learning that the less I attempt to fix things for my kids the more I feel them connecting with me. And that has happened in tandem with me loosening my grip on trying to right size MY feelings about everything. It’s a sweet surrender that feels timely.
Thank you, Amy. I always find resonance and a jolt of connection with your words/comments. 🫶
This is amazing, Allison. Wow. The letter is powerful. Thank you for sharing as always.
Thanks for being here, Caroline. Reading and sharing 🙏🏼
Oh gosh, I just blubbered. Early in life, I was taught by my father that only certain feelings and expressions of emotion were allowed ... happy or mad, I think ... goodness, crying was not welcome. My dear mother was always just trying to keep the peace ... as we know now ... just as consuing and destructive! Little did I know, that was a more a reflection of my father's inability to process his own pain, and his discomfort with seeing me cry and thinking he had to fix it, rather than allowing me to feel a very normal response to .... whatever it was. They were doing the best they could with what they were shown and taught. What a tremendous gift you are giving your children. Thank you ... you are raising up some beautiful humans. I love how once your daughter said why she was sad, you validated and hugged her for a minute, the feeling moved through her, and she carried on with her night. I just kept thinking, how many times we hold something sad or heavy in, don't let the tears flow, we proclaim we are "fine" and it ends up stuck somewhere in our bodies and comes out sideways!! What you are modeling for your children is so profoundly kind and helping to make the world a better place! Thank you. The letter ... what a beautiful, meaningful and thoughtful gesture.
Tears, grief, anger - it’s often so hard for others to hold or witness. Often it’s not welcome because it’s threatening. I’m working really hard to shift that in my family. In myself. I know you get it, Judy. So glad I have you to talk about this stuff with 💕
The letter to your son got to me. It’s so beautiful. And being there for your daughter so she can allow her feeling to move through her was also beautiful. ❤️
Thanks Priscilla. I appreciate that 💞
This one has me sobbing! What a gift to give your daughter the ability to know it's okay to cry. And the letter!
Thanks Samantha. All feelings are welcome, right?
I cry everywhere, all the time, since I’ve been sober. I believe it is so good for our bodies to cry so I try to take comfort in that 😂♥️
Oh girl. Me too. Of all the lessons I’ve gleaned in sobriety I think the biggest one might be the welcoming of all my feelings. I recall telling a friend who was considering sobriety about all the tears that fall (still) and she said, “Allison, you’re not selling this very well.” 🤣.
That letter 🥹🥹 so many of my parts felt seen. Even though he’s day away from 5, I can already seen the ways he is—so sure of himself—that are amazing to me and can be triggering to parts of me still learning how to be that too.
It’s very moving to hear how you created that space for her and for you ❤️❤️
So honored my piece evoked that for you.
I’m obsessed with this song “phenomenon” by ODIE. It’s breath, hope and space. Can’t recommend it enough.
And I, too, cry in the car.
Ohhhh. I’ll take a listen. 🎵
And yes to all the ways our kids can be confronting - to all the parts we are still working on. It’s a strange kind of synchronous parenting in a way, isn’t it?
Here’s to tears while driving! 🤧🚙
I cried this afternoon, saying goodbye to my aunt, who is very definitely dying. I cried with her, and for her, and for me, and hopefully made a way for those who still need to cry in that space.
At the moment this is one of my favorite songs. I’m leaning into it in the context of what it would mean to be the ‘Banks’ for my children’s River. https://open.spotify.com/track/6LFM1lnBcCIMDkU8oPYgmh?si=diZIj5OZQRi9FDsE2yuaBw
I’ll take a listen, Benjamin. Thanks for sharing.
And I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m thinking about my late aunt today as my family gets ready to attend my cousin’s wedding tomorrow. While it’s a celebration there will still be a little heaviness knowing the groom’s mom isn’t there physically to hug him on his big day.
I bet your tears comforted your aunt today. And gave permission to others to let theirs fall, too. I always say when we grieve big it’s because we love big.
That was such a gift to your aunt. And that song, "Banks," oh, how it moves me. I think of it in terms of a romantic relationship but yes how right it is as a song from parents to children, or a friend to a friend. We all need to be "banks" for each other's rivers.