Totally, Deirdre. That automatic wanting to fix,console, offer a “better” way to my kids when they are in pain (big or small) is where my maternal instinct wants to take me. To just witness and validate -simple yet oh so hard.
Amy - this comment means so much. Thank you. I did not take it the wrong way. In fact, it really touched me. I think, lately, I’m starting to not only trust the mother in me but also the writer in me. Maybe I’m landing closer to something that fits. 🙏🏼🫶
And what’s hilarious about the second part of your comment is that I am working on an essay about solitude! And how it does not equate to loneliness. I love that your son felt secure in exploring that park solo. It says so much about how he feels about himself. He likes being with himself. That’s huge. Love it. Sounds like he might be years ahead of us - when we figured it out. 🙃
The willingness to look this stuff head on is more important that fucking up in the first place. Maybe you’ve already heard this phrase, but we talk a lot about “rupture and repair” in relationships. It’s less about how things inevitably rupture and more about how we repair.
I’ve delivered oh so many fuck ups in my short 4.5 years of parenting so far. It is so humbling. Mine are often around rushing or asking too many questions/fretting rather than letting him speak for himself/go at his own pace. A good, heartfelt apology is frequently witnessed in our household. And this isn’t why I do it, but damn if our kid isn’t also good at apologizing as a result.
Oh, to give a good quality heartfelt apology - that is a rarity it seems. What a gift you are giving your son in modeling that for him. Sorry is the hardest word, right? Isn't that a song?
I first heard the concept of rupture and repair with Dr. Becky and I strive to do it each and every time I fuck up. I wish I learned this sooner but alas, I'm doing it now. And now matters.
Thanks for reading and providing your insights and experiences, Kaitlyn. Always appreciate you xoxoxo
My fuck-up as a parent was less about any way I directly treated her and more about the way she witnessed me when I abandoned myself. She didn’t see the drinking. I saved that for when she was at her dad’s house, but the men! Oh how I would pretzel myself for romantic love. I forgive myself, and she forgives me too, but I know it’s going to come back in both of us, not maintaining the perfect boundaries. We all mess each other up in our own unique ways. You and your daughter are beautiful.
Our own unique mess ups. I love how you frame this. Because, well - we all have them.
And oooof - the abandoning of self for a romantic partner. That one’s a stinger. Been there!
Thanks for sharing, Julie. The more I hear about your relationship with your daughter the more I look forward to growing and expanding alongside my daughter. 🫶
What a gorgeous piece Allison. I first need to tell you that your writing has changed. I don’t want to say improved because I have loved everything you’ve written since I first discovered your Substack. But there is something different lately and I really noticed it in this piece. It feels more complex? poetic? descriptive? Full? I’m having hard time naming it as you can see, but it’s really really good! I sure hope this didn’t come off the wrong way 🥴
Oh do I feel this one. Just the other night my son-(8) came back from the park and I asked him who he was there with. He said himself- , the park is behind our house. In the areas he’s allowed to explore. I said oh buddy you should have come got me, I would have went. He shrugged his shoulders- “Stevie wasn’t home and I still wanted to go, no big deal.” I wish I would have just asked if he had fun. I don’t want him to feel like it’s not okay to play alone or trust his own intuition and desires. I like being alone lol! Took me years to figure that out!
It takes guts to write so honestly. Thank you for sharing what’s possible for those who choose to change! There’s a world of wisdom in this—learning to sit with the difficult emotions, both ours and others’.
This is such a beautiful piece, Allison, and your daughter is so lucky to have a mother who is willing to learn and grow alongside her. I am also trying to detect my conditioned behaviors in the way I parent my children. I have a ten-year-old and two adult sons, and one of my biggest lessons right now is reminding myself that worrying about them sends the message that I don't trust them. It's a truth I must swallow everyday, because I was conditioned to believe that worry is a way to show love. My practice right now is to witness the habitual worrying that rises, and then hold compassion for the part of me that still thinks that it's necessary. I still have a lot of work to do, but it's getting easier, and each time I do it, I not only develop more trust in my children, I develop more trust in myself as a mother. Thank you for this beautiful inquiry and lovely response.
Ohhhh…. Wow. I needed that - thank you Emily. I am a habitual worrier and I never really thought about how that sends a message of not trusting. And it totally is one way I THINK I am showing love & concern. Thanks for sharing your experience with this. We grow alongside our children I guess, right?
It's such an incredible thing to learn that all relationships can and should always be growing and changing. Learning how to listen and not try to fix is the never-ending internal battle of a parent. Crazy how something so simple can be so difficult.
Such a beautiful essay, Allison. Just, wow. Your kiddos are blessed to have you as their mom.
I find myself shying away from the tears of my partner, my sisters, my dad. Being unable to help or save them shatters me. And I feel as though they look to me with an expectation around which I will always fall short. And so, I’m still learning this dance...and how to hold space for all of it and all of them. Thank you for helping. ❤️
Thank you, Dana. For reading, holding space for me and for sharing your own dance with sorrow. I resonate with your comment. It's so hard to see the ones we love in pain. I'm (slowly) learning that in moments when I see another person's pain or tears, if I just witness it, and not try to help make any of it go away, the witnessing is often what moves the pain. It’s a really hard practice for me, though!
We're all helping each other! xoxoxo Thanks for being here.
Beautifully written, Allison, and a tendency I recognize in myself and my own mothering of my eldest daughter, my spirited child, she of the big, messy and sometimes inconvenient emotions. I learned too when I was a young girl to suppress big emotions and I thought I was helping her by teaching her to tamp down her big feelings, to express her tears alone in her room in a time out; fortunately I read a book around the time she was nine or ten about Parenting a Spirited Child and how to take qualities that were often put in a negative light into a more positive light--from "volatile" to "expressive," from "stubborn" to "independent," from "willful" to "knowing her own mind." I began to see all of her in a new light, to mirror back these more positive expressions of her intensity--that beautiful intense light that has made her the accomplished, brave, fiercely loving young woman she is today. I wasn't perfect at it, but I'm so glad I learned another way of seeing how to parent her. Also, if you and your daughter have not yet seen "Little Red," I saw this animated film recently and it is all about this topic of big emotions and the cost of suppressing them. I laughed and I cried. I cried for my daughter and for me and for my mother and for me, and our beautiful, fumbling attempts to love each other the best we know how.
Thanks you for sharing all of this, Amy! I am definitely going to check out “Little Red”.
My daughter is teaching me that messy feelings have a lot to teach us - not just about ourselves and our own insides but how we interact with everyone important to us.
I continue to believe that my daughter’s big spirit is here to help me trust my own.
I am your daughter and now my daughter is the same way. But the way you describe your earlier parenting is exactly how my husband responds. He cannot handle her big emotions because he cannot handle his. Check out coping mechanisms of Highly sensitive personalities. HSP. I am one and so is my 6 year old. We are a very narrow percent of the population. We are rare so we need coping strategies in order to navigate life that caters exclusively to the majority. Thank you for sharing this.
Leslie - thank you for sharing your experience here. I’ve just started looking into HSP and a lot of it seems to track with our experiences. My nervous system is super sensitive and over the years I’ve found various ways to compensate/cope.
I’m glad your daughter has you to walk through all of this with.
Totally, Deirdre. That automatic wanting to fix,console, offer a “better” way to my kids when they are in pain (big or small) is where my maternal instinct wants to take me. To just witness and validate -simple yet oh so hard.
Thanks for reading and sharing 🙏🏼
Amy - this comment means so much. Thank you. I did not take it the wrong way. In fact, it really touched me. I think, lately, I’m starting to not only trust the mother in me but also the writer in me. Maybe I’m landing closer to something that fits. 🙏🏼🫶
And what’s hilarious about the second part of your comment is that I am working on an essay about solitude! And how it does not equate to loneliness. I love that your son felt secure in exploring that park solo. It says so much about how he feels about himself. He likes being with himself. That’s huge. Love it. Sounds like he might be years ahead of us - when we figured it out. 🙃
The willingness to look this stuff head on is more important that fucking up in the first place. Maybe you’ve already heard this phrase, but we talk a lot about “rupture and repair” in relationships. It’s less about how things inevitably rupture and more about how we repair.
I’ve delivered oh so many fuck ups in my short 4.5 years of parenting so far. It is so humbling. Mine are often around rushing or asking too many questions/fretting rather than letting him speak for himself/go at his own pace. A good, heartfelt apology is frequently witnessed in our household. And this isn’t why I do it, but damn if our kid isn’t also good at apologizing as a result.
Oh, to give a good quality heartfelt apology - that is a rarity it seems. What a gift you are giving your son in modeling that for him. Sorry is the hardest word, right? Isn't that a song?
I first heard the concept of rupture and repair with Dr. Becky and I strive to do it each and every time I fuck up. I wish I learned this sooner but alas, I'm doing it now. And now matters.
Thanks for reading and providing your insights and experiences, Kaitlyn. Always appreciate you xoxoxo
Oh Allison, this is so beautiful. My heart feels this deeply as I navigate parenthood in recovery ❤️🩹
Thank you Caroline. We’re recovering so much, aren’t we? ❤️
My fuck-up as a parent was less about any way I directly treated her and more about the way she witnessed me when I abandoned myself. She didn’t see the drinking. I saved that for when she was at her dad’s house, but the men! Oh how I would pretzel myself for romantic love. I forgive myself, and she forgives me too, but I know it’s going to come back in both of us, not maintaining the perfect boundaries. We all mess each other up in our own unique ways. You and your daughter are beautiful.
Our own unique mess ups. I love how you frame this. Because, well - we all have them.
And oooof - the abandoning of self for a romantic partner. That one’s a stinger. Been there!
Thanks for sharing, Julie. The more I hear about your relationship with your daughter the more I look forward to growing and expanding alongside my daughter. 🫶
What a gorgeous piece Allison. I first need to tell you that your writing has changed. I don’t want to say improved because I have loved everything you’ve written since I first discovered your Substack. But there is something different lately and I really noticed it in this piece. It feels more complex? poetic? descriptive? Full? I’m having hard time naming it as you can see, but it’s really really good! I sure hope this didn’t come off the wrong way 🥴
Oh do I feel this one. Just the other night my son-(8) came back from the park and I asked him who he was there with. He said himself- , the park is behind our house. In the areas he’s allowed to explore. I said oh buddy you should have come got me, I would have went. He shrugged his shoulders- “Stevie wasn’t home and I still wanted to go, no big deal.” I wish I would have just asked if he had fun. I don’t want him to feel like it’s not okay to play alone or trust his own intuition and desires. I like being alone lol! Took me years to figure that out!
It takes guts to write so honestly. Thank you for sharing what’s possible for those who choose to change! There’s a world of wisdom in this—learning to sit with the difficult emotions, both ours and others’.
Thanks so much Stephanie. The learning to sit in it, with it and not look away is hard! I appreciate you reading and sharing your thoughts here.
This is such a beautiful piece, Allison, and your daughter is so lucky to have a mother who is willing to learn and grow alongside her. I am also trying to detect my conditioned behaviors in the way I parent my children. I have a ten-year-old and two adult sons, and one of my biggest lessons right now is reminding myself that worrying about them sends the message that I don't trust them. It's a truth I must swallow everyday, because I was conditioned to believe that worry is a way to show love. My practice right now is to witness the habitual worrying that rises, and then hold compassion for the part of me that still thinks that it's necessary. I still have a lot of work to do, but it's getting easier, and each time I do it, I not only develop more trust in my children, I develop more trust in myself as a mother. Thank you for this beautiful inquiry and lovely response.
Ohhhh…. Wow. I needed that - thank you Emily. I am a habitual worrier and I never really thought about how that sends a message of not trusting. And it totally is one way I THINK I am showing love & concern. Thanks for sharing your experience with this. We grow alongside our children I guess, right?
Appreciate you reading and sharing here.
It's such an incredible thing to learn that all relationships can and should always be growing and changing. Learning how to listen and not try to fix is the never-ending internal battle of a parent. Crazy how something so simple can be so difficult.
Such a beautiful essay, Allison. Just, wow. Your kiddos are blessed to have you as their mom.
I find myself shying away from the tears of my partner, my sisters, my dad. Being unable to help or save them shatters me. And I feel as though they look to me with an expectation around which I will always fall short. And so, I’m still learning this dance...and how to hold space for all of it and all of them. Thank you for helping. ❤️
Thank you, Dana. For reading, holding space for me and for sharing your own dance with sorrow. I resonate with your comment. It's so hard to see the ones we love in pain. I'm (slowly) learning that in moments when I see another person's pain or tears, if I just witness it, and not try to help make any of it go away, the witnessing is often what moves the pain. It’s a really hard practice for me, though!
We're all helping each other! xoxoxo Thanks for being here.
Ooof…yes…it’s a tough question. Thanks for this thoughtful answer.
Very tough, indeed. Thanks for reading and being here, Mary!
Beautifully written, Allison, and a tendency I recognize in myself and my own mothering of my eldest daughter, my spirited child, she of the big, messy and sometimes inconvenient emotions. I learned too when I was a young girl to suppress big emotions and I thought I was helping her by teaching her to tamp down her big feelings, to express her tears alone in her room in a time out; fortunately I read a book around the time she was nine or ten about Parenting a Spirited Child and how to take qualities that were often put in a negative light into a more positive light--from "volatile" to "expressive," from "stubborn" to "independent," from "willful" to "knowing her own mind." I began to see all of her in a new light, to mirror back these more positive expressions of her intensity--that beautiful intense light that has made her the accomplished, brave, fiercely loving young woman she is today. I wasn't perfect at it, but I'm so glad I learned another way of seeing how to parent her. Also, if you and your daughter have not yet seen "Little Red," I saw this animated film recently and it is all about this topic of big emotions and the cost of suppressing them. I laughed and I cried. I cried for my daughter and for me and for my mother and for me, and our beautiful, fumbling attempts to love each other the best we know how.
Thanks you for sharing all of this, Amy! I am definitely going to check out “Little Red”.
My daughter is teaching me that messy feelings have a lot to teach us - not just about ourselves and our own insides but how we interact with everyone important to us.
I continue to believe that my daughter’s big spirit is here to help me trust my own.
I appreciate you sharing your walk through this 🫶
I am your daughter and now my daughter is the same way. But the way you describe your earlier parenting is exactly how my husband responds. He cannot handle her big emotions because he cannot handle his. Check out coping mechanisms of Highly sensitive personalities. HSP. I am one and so is my 6 year old. We are a very narrow percent of the population. We are rare so we need coping strategies in order to navigate life that caters exclusively to the majority. Thank you for sharing this.
Leslie - thank you for sharing your experience here. I’ve just started looking into HSP and a lot of it seems to track with our experiences. My nervous system is super sensitive and over the years I’ve found various ways to compensate/cope.
I’m glad your daughter has you to walk through all of this with.
💗