Don't Go Back to Sleep

Join DARE TO BE for our first ever 12-week "toe dip" challenge - an immersion into an unconventional approach to AA

I am in my 5th year of sobriety. A whole hand whole. Or that’s what I tell myself it should feel like. When my kids turned five, I told them both, “Wow, you’re a whole hand now.” My children are six years apart; one a boy, the other a girl. Now 17 and 11. Back then, upon hearing this, they both uncurled their fist and with one hand up in front of their precious face, spread each finger slowly apart. No words from either of them. Just sheer pride and recognition.

I feel pride. I can recognize the magnitude of a life without alcohol - day in and day out. And I do. Except my hands feel clenched lately. There is some kind of suffering simmering below the surface of me and if I’ve learned anything in sobriety it is to pay attention. Pay attention to the discontent. Contend don’t pretend.

I haven’t been able to really name it. I used to think I had to name it to tame it. While that definitely helps, I am at a stage of life right now where naming isn’t so easy. And this I know is ok.

I don’t feel my sobriety is in jeopardy, as in I don’t feel like I will drink. I also don’t feel like complacency is setting in. I just feel like I need to stretch out a bit more. Maybe my preschool years of sobriety are behind me, and this is me stepping into the elementary years. Maybe this is what growth feels like.

A poem that always finds its way back to me is A Great Wagon by Rumi.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase “each other”
doesn’t make any sense.
The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don’t go back to sleep.
You must ask for what you really want.
Don’t go back to sleep.
People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.
The door is round and open.
Don’t go back to sleep.

Perhaps my early stage of sobriety is right now touching the other world of “middle” sobriety. All of which is happening, in unison, alongside me settling into middle age. I am in the messy middle of both. I am one month shy of turning 47. Mid-lifing it. Maybe this is me in the doorsill, asking where to now?

I don’t have any answers as to where I’ll end up except, I know that I want company. I know I don’t want to sleepwalk through it. And this is the part where I turn to YOU. I turn to you and ask if you will enter the round open door with me.

I have this idea stirring up in me and to be perfectly honest, I’m scared to lay it down here. Because I sat here, writing feverishly to you back in November, exclaiming and explaining how I planned on shifting things because, after all, we are not static beings. And I meant every word I said. Yet, I also know that when I feel pulled to go somewhere, I ought to listen to that voice in me. Because it’s the same voice that saved me from slowly killing myself and my internal flame with alcohol.

So, this is my offering. My invitation to you. For the next twelve weeks I will be walking through (in real time) the twelve steps. By real time I mean I am going to devote one essay a week to each step. Writing along as I read them, as I walk through them myself. Truth be told, I have been avoiding them. Because I told myself I am not the “AA type.” Whatever the hell that even means.

In no way am I saying that I expect to be anywhere near '“done” working each step in one week. I know from listening to others’ experiences with this work that it takes a LOT of time. What I envision and hope for is that this space will be a little toe dip into each step. Food for thought. A way and space to get things cooking. Fermenting. Marinating. An introduction to the words of the steps, seeing where they land in how I process them and then asking the community to contribute their thoughts and feelings on them.

If you aren’t on the sober path or even remotely curious about the role alcohol does or doesn’t play in your life, please do not stop reading. Because this is for you, too.

Why and how is this for all of you? All of us? Because all humans are wired for addiction. All of us have compulsions that pull us away from making optimal decisions for ourselves. None of us can walk through life unscathed from unhealthy dependencies. If you think you don’t have any, I’m sorry but that’s denial 101.

Are you a caretaker? Does your caretaking for others (be it children, spouses, aging parents, patients, clients, friends) feel like something you need to do daily? Consider this passage from Marc Nepo:

“I have been learning that life of a caretaker is as addictive as the life of an alcoholic. Here the intoxication is the emotional relief that temporarily comes when answering a loved one’s need. Though it never lasts, in the moment of answering someone’s need, we feel loved. While much good can come from this, especially for those the caretaker attends, the care itself becomes a drink by which we briefly numb a worthlessness that won’t go away unless constantly doused by another shot of self-sacrifice.

It all tightens until what others need is anticipated beyond what is real, and then, without any true need being voiced, an anxiety to respond builds that can only be relieved if something is offered or done. At the heart of this is the ever-present worry that unless doing something for another there is no possibility of being loved. So the needs of others stand within reach like bottles behind a bar that, try as he or she will, the caretaker cannot resist.”

Yeah, I know {*sigh*}. How did that make you feel?

I know, for me, there is a deep dependency of needing to be needed. How validating that can make me feel. It gets blurry though when we preemptively put ourselves in the line of duty. When we go seeking the HOW can we help before help is even asked of us. We think we are so clever in anticipating others needs but truly, we are only feeding our incessant thirst to be the helper.

The lure of enmeshing my identity into the role of mother is what pulls for my attention lately. For me, that’s where this comes into play. My emotions can become so infused with my kids’ emotions, it’s hard to untangle sometimes. Like the cell phone charging cords that get tangled up in my house, except my internal devices end up in the red. I find myself depleted but hey, my kid has tons of juice! That’s maternal sacrifice, right? Well, that’s not healthy parenting. That’s not a healthy parent.

This is just ONE example of how I want to explore addiction. And please know this is not going to be all doom and gloom. I won’t be beating the drum incessantly to the tune of we’re all damaged! No, no no. This is going to be a place we can all come to reflect internally and see how and where we want to grow.

Consider this a different, though adjacent, group to traditional AA. This AA is going to be Acknowledging Addiction. There will be no labels. If you define yourself as an alcoholic, cool. I want you here. Just know that not every addict identifies that way and that doesn’t make them any less committed to this work.

For me, I need to recover out loud and speak my truth(s) to many. I can’t heal anonymously. I think it’s because I hid the truth about my dependence on alcohol from myself for so long. I hid this from so many people for so long that I just can’t hide anymore. The thing is, though, I’m hiding from myself in other ways now. Less pernicious perhaps but just as persistent. I think that’s why I am being pulled back to writing about addiction again.

AND - I know that being an open book about this stuff is not the way for everyone. I respect that. If you are here reading and want to stay but aren’t sure you can or will speak up. If that is you, this is still for you. Not everyone needs to be loud and proud about this stuff. I get it.

Perhaps this next part is the elephant in the room - there’s no denying that the twelve steps will take you on a spiritual quest. I know many of us have scaring from religious wounds and are so turned off by “God talk.” If that is you, this is still for you. Whether you are Christian, or secular, or agnostic or anything in between, there is space for you here. You get to insert whatever it is that works for you. Be it higher power, the God as I understand it, Great Creator, Jesus, Divine Being, Team of Light (actually, that’s the one I return to most often). You are the vehicle and the driver that will be steering the course of where this journey takes you. But please consider this - when you let the car drift a bit and let go of the steering wheel because you believe that something more powerful than yourself is really keeping the cruise control going, magic happens.

Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

Here’s what it will look like these next 12 weeks:

• You can expect to receive my usual weekly narrative essay every Friday. This will go to all subscribers and will detail my personal toe dip into each of the 12 steps. The weeks will go in sequential order, each week corresponding to the next step. I want to stress that I am NOT an expert on the AA path!! Literally I will be learning as I go! So, this challenge is not me teaching anyone or preaching to anyone. This is just me writing my way through processing this work and asking /hoping you walk alongside me to do the same. Think of it as a classroom where we are all self-led/self-taught - a container of a community where we can share and hold all of our collective lessons.

• I will offer suggested journaling prompts each week so folks can drop into each step at your own pace for some deeper personal reflections. I will have the comment sections available only to paid subscribers. I feel this is necessary in order to provide a safe space to share on what is likely to be some sensitive and brave content.

• On the second Friday of the month for the duration of the challenge I will still highlight other writers in the FOUR TO FOLLOW segment that I started this year. Here I will give a shout out to other creatives and writers who are demonstrating how to live into the tenants of the steps. This may not be what you think. Don’t expect it to be only sober writers. The comment section for the FOUR TO FOLLOW segments will be open to all subscribers.

• I will be pulling from and referencing five books in particular (see links to books in footnotes):

1. Alcoholics Anonymous- Big Book 4th Edition¹

2. Breathing Under Water - Spirituality and the Twelve Steps by Richard Rohr²

3. The Fix - How the Twelve Steps Offer a Surprising Path of Transformation For the Well-adjusted, the Down-and-Out, and Everyone in Between by Ian Morgan Cron³

4. The Book of Shadow Work: Unlock the True You by Keila Shaheen⁴

5. The Dark Side of the Light Chasers: Reclaiming Your Power, Creativity, Brilliance, and Dreams by Debbie Ford⁵

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BUY OR READ THESE BOOKS to participate here or gain insight/resonance, etc. This is merely an added bonus for those that want to read along in these texts (I will be weaving in and out of all five books over these next few months).

• You may find me utilizing the chat more often - as a tool to further facilitate the dialogue and sharing in between each Friday essay. Keep an eye out for that, too.

• I will consider a group Zoom meet up - if there’s interest. I’ll flush this out more as we go along.

• You can expect me to fumble a bit. I can’t pretend to know what this is going to stir up and bring up in me. All I know is I’m willing to take the dare. Willing to go there. I hope you are, too.

Here’s what I’ll ask of you:

• To challenge yourself. That’s where the “challenge” part of this intensive comes from. I am asking and encouraging you to challenge yourself to be honest with yourself. Come back here, read where this goes and see how it lands in your body, in your knowing. And I challenge you to apply the tenets of the steps to your life as you see fit.

• If you are a member of AA and have followed the program closely, I would love for your company here. I feel your voices will be so valuable in this space. I also ask that you keep an open mind as to the somewhat atypical stance I am taking in my approach. By no means will my “take” on it come from a place of irreverence. I carry deep respect for the program, and I ask all who participate here not to disparage those who follow it to a “T”. We all hold diverse views and that’s a beautiful thing.

• If you love someone who is struggling with addiction or know someone whose loved one is, please share this challenge with them so that they can follow along. Keep in mind we will cover many flavors of addiction here: behavioral and chemical; alcohol, controlled substances, nicotine, food, shopping, porn, sex, love, co-dependency, gambling, gaming, excessive exercising, social media, workaholism. The net will be cast WIDE.

• If you are a writer here on Substack with a sober stance, please consider sharing this with your readers. As Ram Dass said, “we are all just walking each other home.” Emotional sobriety is one long winding path back home and oftentimes, we need others to light the way for us.

• Lastly, and this is super important: PLEASE keep in mind that I am not an addiction specialist. I hold zero degrees or certifications in counseling. I am just a person who has a litany of addictions that are super skilled in the game of whack-a-mole. I will be coming here with my experience only and that, really, is the only thing I am an expert in. I am an expert of my experiences, and you are of yours. Let’s keep that in mind.

If you want all access to the content and discussions that will transpire over the course of this challenge, you can take advantage of my current sale of 30% off paid subscriptions through March 31, 2025. Click here to upgrade.

If you can only offer a one-time gesture of support, you can do so below.

BEFORE I GO: I need to relay one thing I do know with utmost certainty. The sober community is full of open-hearted folks who genuinely lead with compassion. I placed this Note here on Substack last month to acknowledge my 1,500 days of consecutive sobriety and the response had me floored. This Note breathed life into me for weeks, filling me up with the one thing, the only thing, that can combat addiction - connection. Thank you for the love.

TELL US:

~Are you in? Does this appeal to you or are you squeamish thinking about what it might reveal?

~Do you find yourself numbing out from the world and your feelings to it lately? Give yourself some grace if so. There is so much turmoil swirling.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

1. Alcoholics Anonymous- Big Book 4th Edition

2. Breathing Under Water

3. The Fix

4. The Book of Shadow Work

5. The Dark Side of the Light Chasers