Allison, how ironic that the word I want to use is “perfect.” But this essay is everything to me. It hits home in all the ways. As someone intentionally leaning into the awkward, typo-d, messy, unpolished grit of life to live wholeheartedly on this planet, I savored every word. Twice. SO damn good. I applaud and cherish your voice.
"When perfection is pulling the strings it’s typically a performance for another. What starts as puppeteering for others’ attention molds into critical self-obsession. A prescription in perpetuity that we filled in our youth convinces us we need to excel to propel. Praise becomes our kryptonite. Because praise replaces instinct, poised we wait for it. The accolades. Justification for all the efforts. Ego soars and perfection strides along, victor once again."
Oof, this entire reflection hits painfully home, but especially this. I have been a suffering perfectionist since I wanted all A pluses in school-an A or an A minus (gasp) would not do. It truly is a sickness. I began referring to myself as a "recovering perfectionist" somewhat jokingly in my twenties, long before I knew anything about sobriety.
When I went to AA during my first attempt at sobriety from 2017-2019, one of my great shocks was hearing so many women share their struggles with perfectionism. Every woman in that room-it was a woman's meeting-was a highly accomplished one. Although my head was cocked in confusion that alcoholics could be successful women, it was the beginning of understanding some of the stuff beneath our drinking.
Every time I hit "publish: here on Substack, I do a little victory dance because I have driven through that fear of not being perfect, of god forbid no one praising me, or worse, maybe offending someone.
Thanks for bringing your gifts of imperfection here. You are perfectly imperfect just as you are.
Thanks, Rosemary! I so appreciate you and all you continue to share.
Me too. Me too. Your words feel like mine. Ever the perpetual student chasing good grades like my life depended on it. That was me. My mom tells me stories of how I would sit for hours at our dining room table working on school projects, agonizing over getting it exactly how I thought it needed to be. Never satisfied. I see shades of that in my daughter some days and I want to say, "NO, not you, too sweetie." It's almost ingrained in many of us women. Meanwhile, my son barely picks up a book and gets As and Bs. LOL
I was going to take up your invitation to find a word to write about, but your essay was so compelling it’s all I can think of now. I love your use of metaphor, solid images. I’d go take a walk to digest all these wonderful images, but I’m in a wheelchair when I’m outside, and besides, it’s raining.
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts here, Fran. There's no time limit or deadline on finding your own everyday word to write about. I'd love to read what you come up with if you go there.
It was so nice to see you on Amy's call. Nice to connect here!
Hi Allison! When I started reading your essay, I thought, "This is one area I don't worry about, perfectionism." Until I read the line - it keeps us stepping on the scale. Whoa! That hit me. I'm not sure if you meant that literally, but I step on the scale to weigh myself multiple times a day. I've been disgusted with myself recently for watching the number on the scale creep up (and feeling my pants get tighter & tighter) and not having the willingness to do anything about it. In fact, I'm so obsessed with the scale that I'm considering giving it up for Lent. Gosh, it would be hard. I HATE it when I'm on vacation & there isn't a scale in the bathroom. I used to say, "I don't have an addictive personality." Ha! Nothing is farther from the truth. Thanks for sharing with us! I appreciate you:)
Crystal - I so appreciate YOU. For sharing this here. Thank you.
You are not alone. I did mean it literally. I have a similar relationship with the bathroom scale. Of most recent is the personal lashing I’m giving myself for somehow “letting things go”. When I first began my recovery journey I lost 30+ pounds. I’ve gained back 20 of those and the perfectionistic internal controlling voice is my addictive brain nagging me to “reel it back in”.
Yet - I keep eating my feelings and barely move my body beyond a gentle yoga session or meandering walk. I can’t recall the last time I broke a sweat.
I oscillate between offering self-compassion and beating myself up. Thankfully there are enough days where I put the bat down. And know that none of this is linear. And I’ll “get there.”
This was yet again a beautiful dance, Allison. Perfection & I are well acquainted, I have not had her as regularly on my dance card these past couple of years of working to let go of what doesn’t serve me but she still muscles in for a spin around the dance floor now & then. Usually it happens when a younger me has taken over; she loves Perfection as her sidekick because it makes her feel safe. In time wiser adult self gets to lead again. I loved your creative & apt metaphors and analogies. I watched the video & could feel your angst, perhaps sadness too, at losing your beautiful office space. Your creativity may blossom in new & unexpected ways in your home office. As for my Friday (I write this Saturday), I am feeling in pain. Suffered acute lower back pain, most likely piriformis syndrome, earlier this week & between chiropractor & ER visit to get meds and pain & an anti-inflammatory injection, I am on the mend, I hope. Moving has taken a bigger physical toll than I realized. I have a 12 hr flight to Lima Peru on March 5 & a planned climb to Macchu Picchu a couple days later. So I am feeling anxious & worried about traveling in my condition. Yep, Fear, making itself at home. I need to not let her in the driver’s seat. I will have my daughter & boyfriend with me & they have been great all week in supporting me. This too shall pass, right? I am also struck by my resistance, guilt, even a touch of shame my daughter has to be my caregiver: I am so used to being the caregiver. Much to lean into for self exploration here💗
So much to explore, always. How fortunate,though, that we can be so tapped into ourselves to enter the space to peel all this back. Self-awareness is critical, I’m learning.
Thanks for the encouragement and nod to possibilities. I am staying open to new blossoming in my soon to be set up office space. I’m giving myself permission to go slow with it. Not easy for a self proclaimed perfectionist 🙃
I’m so sorry you are experiencing acute pain. Back pain is no fun. Our bodies don’t hesitate to yell at us, right? I hope things dissipate over these next few days so that your travel and all the adventures waiting for you in Peru can be fully explored.
Thanks for sharing your feelings here. Fear may be in the car with you but you still have the wheel. 🫶
Looking forward to seeing you Tuesday in your Zoom room xoxo
Am loving these reflections on words Allison, might borrow it myself one day! Perfection would keep me in freeze unable to do anything. I would claim that I was just a last minuter, that I needed to feel the threat of the deadline to be inspired. My God, it was exhausting. The number of interviews/meetings that I was never quite prepared for, ugh. Sobriety has helped me so much in not only being able to observe it but in the getting going and being in the enough. My substack is a true practice of that. It is not finely honed, it is the rough and the ready. I very rarely read it before sending although have started to do some narration so that someone else doesn't. But learning to let go of that too. What do I want to do for it, how do I want to do it, what do I have capacity for today. Much more sitting in questions than answers. And that is ok too ❤️
Oh, so many times I tried to play it off like the thrill of last-minute crunch time was how I worked best. Under pressure, etc. Bullshit, really. I would not make a move because I was overwhelmed with how to do it/do it the "right" way. Until I had no choice but to do it because time was up! I still do this!! I did it this week! LOL The difference is now I see it and I can own it.
It all is a practice, right?
I love how you put it - "what do I have capacity for today. More sitting in questions than answers."
You mentioned that you are a one. Perfectionism is very consistent with that. The permission and procrastination part feels very nine-ish. I am at nine with the one wing and was wondering whether your wing is possibly a nine. That would explain a lot of overlap.
Thanks for bringing up the permission piece. I feel that very much, too. For me, it must be the attachment wound. Needing to feel safe by feeling connected. I heard Brene Brown speak about the distinction between fitting in and belonging (with fitting in driving us when we are stuck in perfection) and belonging (when we actually feel connected/safe). The distinction can be subtle and confusing sometimes, especially in our youth.
And the risk factor. Ooof. Always feels risky to be vulnerable. I'm trying to be less risk aversive.
I have SO MUCH to say and present in a number of different areas. Videos, audio recording, music production, writing—and i don't do any of it because I get stuck on the perfection.
Perfection is like cement. We get stuck there. Immobilized. I heard someone recently say the antidote to anxiety and fear is motion/action. Easier said than done.
Thanks for sharing here, Jim. I'd love to see/listen to your work. I hope you share it.
THIS. ✨
Allison, how ironic that the word I want to use is “perfect.” But this essay is everything to me. It hits home in all the ways. As someone intentionally leaning into the awkward, typo-d, messy, unpolished grit of life to live wholeheartedly on this planet, I savored every word. Twice. SO damn good. I applaud and cherish your voice.
Couldn’t agree more Jenny!
Yes to the unpolished grit of life!!!!
Thank you for being here for all of it, Jenny! I so appreciate you and cherish your light ✨✨
thank you for being so real and clear. even when you're not. i heart you.
I heart you back Elena!!!
"When perfection is pulling the strings it’s typically a performance for another. What starts as puppeteering for others’ attention molds into critical self-obsession. A prescription in perpetuity that we filled in our youth convinces us we need to excel to propel. Praise becomes our kryptonite. Because praise replaces instinct, poised we wait for it. The accolades. Justification for all the efforts. Ego soars and perfection strides along, victor once again."
Oof, this entire reflection hits painfully home, but especially this. I have been a suffering perfectionist since I wanted all A pluses in school-an A or an A minus (gasp) would not do. It truly is a sickness. I began referring to myself as a "recovering perfectionist" somewhat jokingly in my twenties, long before I knew anything about sobriety.
When I went to AA during my first attempt at sobriety from 2017-2019, one of my great shocks was hearing so many women share their struggles with perfectionism. Every woman in that room-it was a woman's meeting-was a highly accomplished one. Although my head was cocked in confusion that alcoholics could be successful women, it was the beginning of understanding some of the stuff beneath our drinking.
Every time I hit "publish: here on Substack, I do a little victory dance because I have driven through that fear of not being perfect, of god forbid no one praising me, or worse, maybe offending someone.
Thanks for bringing your gifts of imperfection here. You are perfectly imperfect just as you are.
Loved reading your perspective Rosemary as always💗
Thanks, Rosemary! I so appreciate you and all you continue to share.
Me too. Me too. Your words feel like mine. Ever the perpetual student chasing good grades like my life depended on it. That was me. My mom tells me stories of how I would sit for hours at our dining room table working on school projects, agonizing over getting it exactly how I thought it needed to be. Never satisfied. I see shades of that in my daughter some days and I want to say, "NO, not you, too sweetie." It's almost ingrained in many of us women. Meanwhile, my son barely picks up a book and gets As and Bs. LOL
I was going to take up your invitation to find a word to write about, but your essay was so compelling it’s all I can think of now. I love your use of metaphor, solid images. I’d go take a walk to digest all these wonderful images, but I’m in a wheelchair when I’m outside, and besides, it’s raining.
Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts here, Fran. There's no time limit or deadline on finding your own everyday word to write about. I'd love to read what you come up with if you go there.
It was so nice to see you on Amy's call. Nice to connect here!
Nailed it!
Thanks Samantha!
Hi Allison! When I started reading your essay, I thought, "This is one area I don't worry about, perfectionism." Until I read the line - it keeps us stepping on the scale. Whoa! That hit me. I'm not sure if you meant that literally, but I step on the scale to weigh myself multiple times a day. I've been disgusted with myself recently for watching the number on the scale creep up (and feeling my pants get tighter & tighter) and not having the willingness to do anything about it. In fact, I'm so obsessed with the scale that I'm considering giving it up for Lent. Gosh, it would be hard. I HATE it when I'm on vacation & there isn't a scale in the bathroom. I used to say, "I don't have an addictive personality." Ha! Nothing is farther from the truth. Thanks for sharing with us! I appreciate you:)
Crystal - I so appreciate YOU. For sharing this here. Thank you.
You are not alone. I did mean it literally. I have a similar relationship with the bathroom scale. Of most recent is the personal lashing I’m giving myself for somehow “letting things go”. When I first began my recovery journey I lost 30+ pounds. I’ve gained back 20 of those and the perfectionistic internal controlling voice is my addictive brain nagging me to “reel it back in”.
Yet - I keep eating my feelings and barely move my body beyond a gentle yoga session or meandering walk. I can’t recall the last time I broke a sweat.
I oscillate between offering self-compassion and beating myself up. Thankfully there are enough days where I put the bat down. And know that none of this is linear. And I’ll “get there.”
Sending you so much love because I get it, girl!
This was yet again a beautiful dance, Allison. Perfection & I are well acquainted, I have not had her as regularly on my dance card these past couple of years of working to let go of what doesn’t serve me but she still muscles in for a spin around the dance floor now & then. Usually it happens when a younger me has taken over; she loves Perfection as her sidekick because it makes her feel safe. In time wiser adult self gets to lead again. I loved your creative & apt metaphors and analogies. I watched the video & could feel your angst, perhaps sadness too, at losing your beautiful office space. Your creativity may blossom in new & unexpected ways in your home office. As for my Friday (I write this Saturday), I am feeling in pain. Suffered acute lower back pain, most likely piriformis syndrome, earlier this week & between chiropractor & ER visit to get meds and pain & an anti-inflammatory injection, I am on the mend, I hope. Moving has taken a bigger physical toll than I realized. I have a 12 hr flight to Lima Peru on March 5 & a planned climb to Macchu Picchu a couple days later. So I am feeling anxious & worried about traveling in my condition. Yep, Fear, making itself at home. I need to not let her in the driver’s seat. I will have my daughter & boyfriend with me & they have been great all week in supporting me. This too shall pass, right? I am also struck by my resistance, guilt, even a touch of shame my daughter has to be my caregiver: I am so used to being the caregiver. Much to lean into for self exploration here💗
So much to explore, always. How fortunate,though, that we can be so tapped into ourselves to enter the space to peel all this back. Self-awareness is critical, I’m learning.
Thanks for the encouragement and nod to possibilities. I am staying open to new blossoming in my soon to be set up office space. I’m giving myself permission to go slow with it. Not easy for a self proclaimed perfectionist 🙃
I’m so sorry you are experiencing acute pain. Back pain is no fun. Our bodies don’t hesitate to yell at us, right? I hope things dissipate over these next few days so that your travel and all the adventures waiting for you in Peru can be fully explored.
Thanks for sharing your feelings here. Fear may be in the car with you but you still have the wheel. 🫶
Looking forward to seeing you Tuesday in your Zoom room xoxo
Perfection is an illusion. My take is the secret to life is being happy now. Happy with all the imperfection. 🩵
Yup. I like that take. Imperfection can be refreshing, actually. This I’m learning.
All we ever trust have is what’s here right now.
Am loving these reflections on words Allison, might borrow it myself one day! Perfection would keep me in freeze unable to do anything. I would claim that I was just a last minuter, that I needed to feel the threat of the deadline to be inspired. My God, it was exhausting. The number of interviews/meetings that I was never quite prepared for, ugh. Sobriety has helped me so much in not only being able to observe it but in the getting going and being in the enough. My substack is a true practice of that. It is not finely honed, it is the rough and the ready. I very rarely read it before sending although have started to do some narration so that someone else doesn't. But learning to let go of that too. What do I want to do for it, how do I want to do it, what do I have capacity for today. Much more sitting in questions than answers. And that is ok too ❤️
Oh, so many times I tried to play it off like the thrill of last-minute crunch time was how I worked best. Under pressure, etc. Bullshit, really. I would not make a move because I was overwhelmed with how to do it/do it the "right" way. Until I had no choice but to do it because time was up! I still do this!! I did it this week! LOL The difference is now I see it and I can own it.
It all is a practice, right?
I love how you put it - "what do I have capacity for today. More sitting in questions than answers."
Thanks, Louise xoxoxo
❤️
Perfection and procrastination are closely tied to permission and connection for me.
I want to get things right. II don’t know how to do something I’m afraid getting it wrong might break connection with people I care about.
Permission to get it wrong isn’t sufficient, only coming for me. I need that from other people too before I take the risk.
You mentioned that you are a one. Perfectionism is very consistent with that. The permission and procrastination part feels very nine-ish. I am at nine with the one wing and was wondering whether your wing is possibly a nine. That would explain a lot of overlap.
Yes - the One is the Reformer. {*sigh*}
I can’t recall what my wing is but I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s a nine. That would track!
The other option Is that your wing is a two, the helper.
🤔
Thanks for bringing up the permission piece. I feel that very much, too. For me, it must be the attachment wound. Needing to feel safe by feeling connected. I heard Brene Brown speak about the distinction between fitting in and belonging (with fitting in driving us when we are stuck in perfection) and belonging (when we actually feel connected/safe). The distinction can be subtle and confusing sometimes, especially in our youth.
And the risk factor. Ooof. Always feels risky to be vulnerable. I'm trying to be less risk aversive.
Thanks for sharing, Benjamin.
I have SO MUCH to say and present in a number of different areas. Videos, audio recording, music production, writing—and i don't do any of it because I get stuck on the perfection.
Perfection is like cement. We get stuck there. Immobilized. I heard someone recently say the antidote to anxiety and fear is motion/action. Easier said than done.
Thanks for sharing here, Jim. I'd love to see/listen to your work. I hope you share it.
Hey! I just posted an example of imperfection. (At least the video in the post was real example of just do it) https://open.substack.com/pub/sobrietydoesntsuck/p/can-rock-and-roll-be-a-transformative?r=2cftul&utm_medium=ios
Ah!!!! Love that Jim. Gotta go check it out.