The Trilogy of Truth Telling

Trusting others to hold it

So, for those following along, toe-dipping their way into the DARE TO BE 12 Step Challenge, tell me. How did that inventory go last week?

I know, I know. Step four is gnarly. Heavy and hard. Very confronting.

My lists so far (you are supposed to actually write down/make physical lists) have the following headings:

GRUDGES - small and big FEARS- small and big

HURTING OTHERS -small and big SEX HISTORY - do this**

**The insertion of the do this on my “sex” list was a result of my first inclination -which was, not to do this particular list. The Big Book tells you it’s necessary to examine your sexual history and conduct. You can look at this as an entry to examining love addiction. The way that landed for me (the fact that I wanted to run as far away from that as possible) made me realize I may need this list more than the others. Do what feels safe for you.

So far, my FEARS list is the longest. I’ll be returning to these lists, without a doubt. Adding (and hopefully, with time, subtracting).

My HURTING OTHERS list is littered with all the ways I “cut and run”. When things get hard or confrontational, my first inclination is a peace out - and I jump ship. The queen of avoidance. In the past this would look like ghosting a friend instead of having really hard conversations or giving the silent treatment to my husband (I’m still guilty of this one on occasion. Habits are hard to break).

Just know that none of this needs to be done succinctly and quickly. In fact, I’d say if that is how you are approaching any of this, you are doing yourself a disservice.

Slow and steady. My hope and intentions are that this 12-week excursion sits here as a resource to return to, re-dip and double dip if you need to.

This week, it’s time to talk about holding ourselves accountable. C’mon, stay with me. We can do this.

STEP FIVE:

“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

If you grew up Catholic like me, chances are reading the words of this step brings you right back to Confession. That dark, scary chamber where you sat, hands rung in lap, head likely sheepishly pointed down, while you rattled off all the transgressions you repent to a priest on the other side of a metal screen. You are told say five Hail Mary’s, an Act of Contrition and a handful of Our Father’s. Go in peace and God forgives you.

While I am not here to cast aside or criticize the significance of the Sacrament of Reconciliation, my heart knows that God can hear our confessions from any room. There need not be any divider. There is no divider. The Divine hears you loud and clear inside and outside of church.

This step five is heavy on the “God talk” so here is when I will remind you that if this creates a barrier for you from doing this work, please rest for a moment. If theology was thrust upon you and used as a weapon, this can all feel even harder to do. Please know you can replace the word “God” with whatever feels right.

I recall when both of my children made their First Penance in 2nd grade, our church directors encouraged all the parents to model this to the kids by going first. One by one, parents walked up quietly, disappeared from the eyes of their offspring and came back a few minutes later with a reassuring smile for the kids. Letting them know, you can do this, too.

My family doesn’t attend church often. But I still model this for my kids. We still talk about having faith in a Higher Power who we can trust in and talk to always.

My daughter was so proud of herself after her First Reconciliation. She sat down a bit smugly, “Mom, I told God about the time I stole Nathan’s fidget spinners and hid them in my underwear drawer.” I could hardly contain my laughter in the church pew.

This is where it all starts though. Talking openly about all the ways we humans hurt each other. Deceive each other. And ourselves.

My daughter. The fidget spinner thief.

In the book, The Fix by Ian Morgan Cron¹ he refers to Step Four as “an inauguration.” This feels right to me. The action of picking up the pen to write down the searching and fearless moral inventory puts you in forward motion towards Step Five. My friends in AA tell me these steps go hand in hand. It’s a tango of back and forth. Write the list, tell someone, add to the list, tell someone. Until eventually, you are clearing your conscious consistently. The picking up of the pen is the swearing in. The promise to yourself that you will dig deep and pull out the times you wronged another and yourself.

Rohr points out in Breathing Under Water² that:

“Any good therapist will tell you; we cannot heal what we do not acknowledge, and what we do not consciously acknowledge will remain in control of us from within, festering and destroying us and those around us.”

From my perspective, I’ve seen too many religious organizations (and society in general) drape a cloak of judgement and shame over folks who make mistakes. Various iterations of cancel culture are everywhere. I like to believe that God sits in a seat of mercy, not conviction. We handcuff our own wrists and sentence ourselves to secrecy because we convince ourselves others will not look at us the same if we admit the nature of our wrongs.

Being in the company of other sober folks who are doing the hard work of true recovery has blown my heart wide open. I still have not attended an AA meeting, but I have sat witness to hundreds of brave people who log in to a TLC³ meeting online and in the squares, they expose their hearts and hurts for the community to hold and hear. Every time, in every meeting there is a showcase of this fifth step. It is magic. To witness it, is a gift. I know that may sound hyperbolic, but it’s been my experience.

When you look at the words of this step, it is in itself its own trilogy. A confession on three levels: you fess up to yourself, to God and at least one other human. It’s about accountability and personal responsibility.

You don’t have to shout it from the roof tops. You don’t have to write about it on social media. You don’t have to apologize at the Thanksgiving dinner table. You simply have to get the real heavy hurts you caused out of you, say them out loud to one person. That’s it.

You can pick your person. Someone you trust. In AA, it tends to be your sponsor. If you are not in recovery from alcohol but something else (name your addiction/compulsion - we all have at least one), you can still work these steps the same way.

In recovery circles there are “speaker meetings.” This is when a member bravely steps up and shares their story. Shares the nature of their addiction, the wrongs they’ve caused as a result and how things are now that they are recovering.

I am forever changed for having done this. Back in September, I shared my story on a TLC meeting hosted by

Louise Atthey

. There were close to 100 squares of people witnessing me on the Zoom call. I spent 20 minutes sharing things I’ve never shared or said out loud to anyone else. I was met with such compassion and understanding.

It was a muscle I am glad I used. I feel like I’m in training to live a life of it now.

I don’t abuse alcohol anymore, but I still abuse myself. I still hurt those I love. The difference is, I am much quicker to catch myself now. I tell another sooner. I apologize quicker.

I play hopscotch with steps four and five and likely will for the rest of my life.

This is a good time to say to you that all of this can be done on a micro level, too. All you have to do is tell one person. Start with yourself. Then bring yourself to someone you trust and say the thing.

Everybody hurts. Everybody hurts others. We all deserve to get that off our chests. Your heart will thank you. And the person you share it with will be changed, too. Trust me.

I will say this each week of this Challenge: PLEASE keep in mind that I am not an addiction specialist. I hold zero degrees or certifications in counseling. I am just a person who has a litany of addictions that are super skilled in the game of whack-a-mole. I will be coming here with my experience only and that, really, is the only thing I am an expert in. I am an expert of my experiences, and you are of yours. Let’s keep that in mind.

JOURNAL PROMPTS/REFLECTIONS:

1. Rohr states, “This is the way that God seduces us all into the economy of grace - by loving us in spite of ourselves, in the very places where we cannot, will not, or dare not love ourselves.” Spend a moment recalling when someone loved you in spite of what you believed you deserved. If you feel called to share, I’d love to hear your reflections.

2. It is said that serenity is what we get when we quit hoping for a better past. What can you set down so that you can walk freer into your tomorrows?

A reminder that the comment section during the majority of this 12-week challenge will only be for paid subscribers. I feel this is necessary in order to provide a safe space to share on what is likely to be some sensitive and brave content. Keep an eye on the chat feature for paid subscribers, too. I hope to cultivate that as an optional space we can visit to share insights.

The Zoom call for Paid Subscribers will happen next Friday, May 9th at 1:00 PM EST. We’ll trace our way back over the steps we’ve hop scotched through so far. I’ll bring some reflections and a reading or two as a springboard for discussion. Hope to see you there! Zoom link will be sent the day prior. If you can’t make it, there will be another in June.

If you want all access to the content and discussions that have and will transpire over the course of this challenge, you can upgrade your subscription to paid by clicking here

If you can only offer a one-time gesture of support, you can do so below.

ADDED BONUS: STEP FIVE PLAYLIST

If music helps you see inside yourself (it does for me!) here are some songs that remind me how truth does set me free. Do you have any you’d like to share?

1. The Fix by Ian Morgan Cron

2. Breathing Under Water - Spirituality and the Twelve Steps by Richard Rohr

3. TLC - The Luckiest Club