Fidget spinners - oh my heart! My oldest son's confession was taking quarters out of the car console to buy pencils at the school library. He had a pencil with every NFL team's logo by the time of his Reconciliation.
I have had seasons where this confession piece has played a big part. Not so much recently. I have defiantly seen the power of being truthful, even when the thought of potential rejection looms large, and experienced that, more often than not, I am met with grace and acceptance instead.
I don't know the 12 steps, so maybe this is coming. For me the power of confession comes with the door that it opens for repair, of what seemed broken being restored, or at least starting the process of being put back together.
That has been my experience, too Benjamin. That when I make a truthful confession/fess up over my part in something, I am often met with way more compassion than I ever anticipated.
The art of repair after a rupture is a game changer. As my kids age. I find myself circling back to them, repairing something I did or said that was overly harsh. Making sure they understand it wasn't because they are "bad" or unworthy.
I wish it came as naturally with others in my life. Perhaps with time it will.
I think if we can repair regularly with our kids, even if it’s slow in happening, we not only free them from having to deal with so much of that stuff in the future, but we also model for them what it means to be humble and truthful about failure.
Thank you for this. So many people have loved me despite my transgressions... it's hard to write them all here. The interesting thing is ... those that didn't still sting! Interesting ... so powerful! Phew ... seems I could go on and on here ... but I digress. I keep coming back to this notion of "BUT how do you love yourself ?" That seems to be where I get the most tripped up! The path to sobriety for me finally started to stick when I started to view not drinking as an actionable way I could show love for myself. It seems it might be helpful for me today to look at other behaviors that more than don't serve me or harm me, they are the opposite of showing love for myself. I love the term "economy of grace".... but I don't know if I truly believe it. It sounds so lovely, I want it, but I think I struggle to give it to myself. Ever growing, however! What can I set down so that I can walk into freer tomorrows: guilt, shame, fear. The idea of confessions brought up something for me .... I am confronted by some mixed messaging I received that I believe informs my struggles with receiving my own grace. I recall times when I was shamed and left out for some transgressions ... in other situations celebrated for them. I am so grateful for this exercise in the steps. Nothing but love for you!
I think grace is hard to believe in when life has shown you otherwise. When things have felt so conditioned for so long, to extend grace to yourself can feel, I don't know, forced maybe?
Unnatural?
I wake up some days and feel so worthy of my own love. I'll take such sweet care of myself and then - the very next day, I'm right back in self-recrimination. Perhaps grace to oneself swings on a pendulum?
Doing this work helps us shed the things that get in the way of contributing to our own economy of grace. It's why we keep showing up.
Thanks for showing up, Judy! I appreciate you. xoxo
This work is priceless. I am so grateful for this exercise. I will say it 100 times over before it's over ... but it's divine timing for sure.
Nothing in my world drastically changed from Saturday until today, but having had spent the time to prcoess and work on my perspective made yesterday and today much better than they would have been had I not. Saturday, I was brimming with resentments ... today I am brimming with gratitude and peace.
Thanks for this space Allison. I am not surprised that I missed last week's post on step 4. My first Step 4 took more than a year to draw up. What changed for me was the awareness that it just had to be a start, a beginning. That it was more than ok if it wasn't complete. I was paralysed by a fear of not knowing everything consciously and therefore how could I state that it was everything. Being given permission to come with what I knew was the freedom I needed. I have done several step 4/5s along the way, I did one on money when I realised what a hold it had over me and then another on my husband (now ex). Also worth nothing, we don't have to share all our things with the same one person, as long as we share all the things with someone that is what matters. We likewise don't have to bring everything to a meeting where a meeting isn't always the appropriate space. There are many things that I haven't shared within the TLC space because it isn't the right one for all my stuff, some of it has gone elsewhere. To other people, other meetings, other groups. As with all this work, I have appreciated the ability to go gently, to bring out what has been most calling. It may help to have someone lined up to step 5 with, creating the list and then having nowhere to go can be worse than having no list at all. The idea is that the sharing of the list will help you walk towards freedom. Seeing in black and white what has only ever lived inside you can be a difficult place to be ❤️
I see myself swimming (toe-dipping!!) with 4/5 for a LONG while. And that is ok.
I really appreciate your encouragement to follow what is most calling and to have someone lined up to off load it on/someone to trust to hold it. Also, how having the list with nowhere to take it can do more harm, perhaps. AND -that it need not be the same person or a sobriety group, etc that you bring it to.
Thank you for being here and offering these considerations.
I most certainly need to look closer at money. Perhaps even more than the sex list. My relationship with money has historically been rocky. There's no trust there.
Hey...can you say more about the list making and offer a resource...I am playing with it and the sex list...the relationship list has me equal parts terrified and consoled.
That sounds familiar, MK. I know what you mean (a mixed-up ball of terrified and consoled at the prospect of doing this).
I would definitely point to Louise's comment here in this thread. She has worked the steps and offers a terrific stance about the importance of offloading the list - somehow/someway.
Go gently, go slowly.
As far as the mechanics of the list itself (what it should "look like"), I saw all kinds of examples online and looked closely at the one offered in the Big Book. None felt like a good fit for me, so I created my own version. I just had running columns under GRUDGES - WHAT/WHO am I resentful towards/for with a few sentences about how I carry this/how it shows up and then "what did I do?" This last part pointed me towards my role in how it moved (or, more importantly, how it DIDN'T move). I am seeing my own patterns of avoidance and how so much of my grudges live up in my head without moving them constructively anywhere.
And I have yet to do the Sex list so , ummmm. Yeah.
Such a beautiful and brave and unflinching contemplation as always, my friend. Those lists: definitely worth taking a look at. Have not done so but will explore. As for acknowledging uncomfortable, painful truths about ourselves, and our actions, not only to ourselves but to others as a form of accountability, I am doing this all the time lately. First, in a no holds barred JournalSpeak practice I began 10 days ago (from Nicole Sachs’ book Mind Your Body), which has been painful, illuminating, healing. Then in sharing what this practice has uncovered with my daughters and having some of the deepest conversations I’ve ever had with them. My youngest daughter who recently turned 30 thanked me for my openness in a wonderfully open hearted video phone catchup as I go through the process of peeling back all the layers of the past and current stressors, personality traits that no longer serve me. What I shared prompted her to reflect as well. We share many traits, my sweet, generous Enneagram 9 peacemaker who wants everyone to be happy—sometimes at the expense of her own happiness and agency. Truth telling can be so freeing, a beautiful act of love toward ourselves and others. Thank you for the opportunity to reflect on this, Allison.💗
Thanks for sharing, Amy. The accountability, especially to our children as we look back at how we walked through parenting them, can be confronting yet also healing. I've been doing this in micro doses as I get closer to sending my oldest off to college.
To be received with such openness by your daughter as you showed her parts of yourself that might not be the strong mom side, I think, is a glue that can bind you. And it's a kind of permission slip to our kids to show that side. Agency does not come easily, I am learning. And we still need to model it for our kids - even when our kids are adults. Perhaps, especially when they are adults. I love hearing about your relationships with your sweet daughters.
It's so nice to hear how JournalSpeak is illuminating things for you. I am tempted to try it on.
Hi Allison, microdosing those words of wisdom and vulnerable openness to our children is a great way to look at it. The hardest truths to tell can set you free. Have a lovely weekend too!
Fidget spinners - oh my heart! My oldest son's confession was taking quarters out of the car console to buy pencils at the school library. He had a pencil with every NFL team's logo by the time of his Reconciliation.
Hahahahaha. Fess up, kids!
I have had seasons where this confession piece has played a big part. Not so much recently. I have defiantly seen the power of being truthful, even when the thought of potential rejection looms large, and experienced that, more often than not, I am met with grace and acceptance instead.
I don't know the 12 steps, so maybe this is coming. For me the power of confession comes with the door that it opens for repair, of what seemed broken being restored, or at least starting the process of being put back together.
That has been my experience, too Benjamin. That when I make a truthful confession/fess up over my part in something, I am often met with way more compassion than I ever anticipated.
The art of repair after a rupture is a game changer. As my kids age. I find myself circling back to them, repairing something I did or said that was overly harsh. Making sure they understand it wasn't because they are "bad" or unworthy.
I wish it came as naturally with others in my life. Perhaps with time it will.
Thanks for your reflections.
I think if we can repair regularly with our kids, even if it’s slow in happening, we not only free them from having to deal with so much of that stuff in the future, but we also model for them what it means to be humble and truthful about failure.
Thank you for this. So many people have loved me despite my transgressions... it's hard to write them all here. The interesting thing is ... those that didn't still sting! Interesting ... so powerful! Phew ... seems I could go on and on here ... but I digress. I keep coming back to this notion of "BUT how do you love yourself ?" That seems to be where I get the most tripped up! The path to sobriety for me finally started to stick when I started to view not drinking as an actionable way I could show love for myself. It seems it might be helpful for me today to look at other behaviors that more than don't serve me or harm me, they are the opposite of showing love for myself. I love the term "economy of grace".... but I don't know if I truly believe it. It sounds so lovely, I want it, but I think I struggle to give it to myself. Ever growing, however! What can I set down so that I can walk into freer tomorrows: guilt, shame, fear. The idea of confessions brought up something for me .... I am confronted by some mixed messaging I received that I believe informs my struggles with receiving my own grace. I recall times when I was shamed and left out for some transgressions ... in other situations celebrated for them. I am so grateful for this exercise in the steps. Nothing but love for you!
The stings last! I get it.
I think grace is hard to believe in when life has shown you otherwise. When things have felt so conditioned for so long, to extend grace to yourself can feel, I don't know, forced maybe?
Unnatural?
I wake up some days and feel so worthy of my own love. I'll take such sweet care of myself and then - the very next day, I'm right back in self-recrimination. Perhaps grace to oneself swings on a pendulum?
Doing this work helps us shed the things that get in the way of contributing to our own economy of grace. It's why we keep showing up.
Thanks for showing up, Judy! I appreciate you. xoxo
This work is priceless. I am so grateful for this exercise. I will say it 100 times over before it's over ... but it's divine timing for sure.
Nothing in my world drastically changed from Saturday until today, but having had spent the time to prcoess and work on my perspective made yesterday and today much better than they would have been had I not. Saturday, I was brimming with resentments ... today I am brimming with gratitude and peace.
Thanks for this space Allison. I am not surprised that I missed last week's post on step 4. My first Step 4 took more than a year to draw up. What changed for me was the awareness that it just had to be a start, a beginning. That it was more than ok if it wasn't complete. I was paralysed by a fear of not knowing everything consciously and therefore how could I state that it was everything. Being given permission to come with what I knew was the freedom I needed. I have done several step 4/5s along the way, I did one on money when I realised what a hold it had over me and then another on my husband (now ex). Also worth nothing, we don't have to share all our things with the same one person, as long as we share all the things with someone that is what matters. We likewise don't have to bring everything to a meeting where a meeting isn't always the appropriate space. There are many things that I haven't shared within the TLC space because it isn't the right one for all my stuff, some of it has gone elsewhere. To other people, other meetings, other groups. As with all this work, I have appreciated the ability to go gently, to bring out what has been most calling. It may help to have someone lined up to step 5 with, creating the list and then having nowhere to go can be worse than having no list at all. The idea is that the sharing of the list will help you walk towards freedom. Seeing in black and white what has only ever lived inside you can be a difficult place to be ❤️
This is tremendously helpful, Louise. Thank you!
I see myself swimming (toe-dipping!!) with 4/5 for a LONG while. And that is ok.
I really appreciate your encouragement to follow what is most calling and to have someone lined up to off load it on/someone to trust to hold it. Also, how having the list with nowhere to take it can do more harm, perhaps. AND -that it need not be the same person or a sobriety group, etc that you bring it to.
Thank you for being here and offering these considerations.
I most certainly need to look closer at money. Perhaps even more than the sex list. My relationship with money has historically been rocky. There's no trust there.
Thank you Louise. Really...this made a difference.
Hey...can you say more about the list making and offer a resource...I am playing with it and the sex list...the relationship list has me equal parts terrified and consoled.
That sounds familiar, MK. I know what you mean (a mixed-up ball of terrified and consoled at the prospect of doing this).
I would definitely point to Louise's comment here in this thread. She has worked the steps and offers a terrific stance about the importance of offloading the list - somehow/someway.
Go gently, go slowly.
As far as the mechanics of the list itself (what it should "look like"), I saw all kinds of examples online and looked closely at the one offered in the Big Book. None felt like a good fit for me, so I created my own version. I just had running columns under GRUDGES - WHAT/WHO am I resentful towards/for with a few sentences about how I carry this/how it shows up and then "what did I do?" This last part pointed me towards my role in how it moved (or, more importantly, how it DIDN'T move). I am seeing my own patterns of avoidance and how so much of my grudges live up in my head without moving them constructively anywhere.
And I have yet to do the Sex list so , ummmm. Yeah.
Such a beautiful and brave and unflinching contemplation as always, my friend. Those lists: definitely worth taking a look at. Have not done so but will explore. As for acknowledging uncomfortable, painful truths about ourselves, and our actions, not only to ourselves but to others as a form of accountability, I am doing this all the time lately. First, in a no holds barred JournalSpeak practice I began 10 days ago (from Nicole Sachs’ book Mind Your Body), which has been painful, illuminating, healing. Then in sharing what this practice has uncovered with my daughters and having some of the deepest conversations I’ve ever had with them. My youngest daughter who recently turned 30 thanked me for my openness in a wonderfully open hearted video phone catchup as I go through the process of peeling back all the layers of the past and current stressors, personality traits that no longer serve me. What I shared prompted her to reflect as well. We share many traits, my sweet, generous Enneagram 9 peacemaker who wants everyone to be happy—sometimes at the expense of her own happiness and agency. Truth telling can be so freeing, a beautiful act of love toward ourselves and others. Thank you for the opportunity to reflect on this, Allison.💗
Thanks for sharing, Amy. The accountability, especially to our children as we look back at how we walked through parenting them, can be confronting yet also healing. I've been doing this in micro doses as I get closer to sending my oldest off to college.
To be received with such openness by your daughter as you showed her parts of yourself that might not be the strong mom side, I think, is a glue that can bind you. And it's a kind of permission slip to our kids to show that side. Agency does not come easily, I am learning. And we still need to model it for our kids - even when our kids are adults. Perhaps, especially when they are adults. I love hearing about your relationships with your sweet daughters.
It's so nice to hear how JournalSpeak is illuminating things for you. I am tempted to try it on.
Enjoy your weekend, my dear friend!
Hi Allison, microdosing those words of wisdom and vulnerable openness to our children is a great way to look at it. The hardest truths to tell can set you free. Have a lovely weekend too!